Accountability

I've joked too many times about all of the following:

"A small, controlled fire would be nice" as I've look at Rubbermaid containers full of documents, records and memories but couldn't tell you what's inside nor would I miss them if they disappeared. But once I open them, all of a sudden they're things I absolutely cannot part with; this is why every time I move, I have no less than ten "important" Rubbermaid containers to fill up a storage shed.

In response to 'How are you doing?' I'll often chide "Nothing a frontal lobotomy couldn't fix" usually only half-joking. Considering I've had neurosurgery performed, twice, and have suffered two strokes in my lifetime, I should know better than to joke in such a way.

I've read this study before but came across again in my reading this morning. "The forgetting curve hypothesizes the decline of memory retention in time. A related concept is the strength of memory that refers to the durability that memory traces in the brain. The stronger the memory, the longer period of time that a person is able to recall it." (wikipedia)

"There's his version, her version and the truth." 
 (I have no idea whom I'm quoting)

The book I'm reading currently is titled Falling into Grace; admittedly I've opened this book a few times already and just haven't been able to sink my teeth into it. I finished my last book and can't afford to buy another right now so I'm forcing myself to get into this one, or at least consume the pages to see if something sticks. So far it's a bit confusing as it talks about ego, the "self" and other concepts that are difficult to grasp.  "When we realize that there is grace in every moment, our minds will open, our hearts will expand, and we'll be able to express the peace and the love that all beings aspire to," teaches Adyashanti.

Yeah, well, I don't get it.
But I did get this, well kinda. "If you really have control, wouldn't you just decide to feel good all the time--open, loving and happy?"

This was within the chapter "Three Ways of Suffering" which discusses The Illusion of Control, Demanding That Things Be Different, and Arguing with What Is.

I'm still a little lost but I think I get it - the gist of it; we can fool ourselves into believing anything about ourselves and others.  Truth really only exists in each moment.  Past is altered by emotions and perceptions; the future has yet to be - even five minutes from now - all we have is each moment.

So back to memories. The snapshots hidden in our mind of the good, the bad, fondness and sadness.  Right now, for me, good memories are confusing and it is an ongoing topic in my online support group; the missing.  The discussions we have in this group are open, honest, and full of pain.  The common struggles we all face yet are at different places in recovery; able to help one another, offer advice or, at least, cheer each other on.  The missing has been painful to get through and I'm pleased to say I'm on the other side, unlike some of the members of the support group. The truth is, for all of us, that what we're missing is something that never existed in the first place... which comes back to why I'm reading and trying to understand the theories in this book.

"You're the one who is in charge of what you believe hence it's you that can change the meaning that you attach to your experiences ("I'm not good enough", "I'm a failure", "I'm unlovable") and your perception of them, so you can see a situation in *reality*." www.baggagereclaim.com

The good news is I do feel confident that I am good enough, I am worthy of love, respect, honesty. I have changed, quite a bit. I went on my man-ban to make certain that I was able to sit home night after night, weekend after weekend and not feel lonely. Of course I'm alone, especially when the kids are off at their dad's, but I am no longer lonely.  I've grown quite fond of my evenings with my books, my online chatter without someone complaining that they don't have my attention.  I don't want to get too comfortable with this though.  My biggest fear, truly, is dying alone, or worse, living a very long time and acquiring 17 cats.

On the dating site this week, some guy got upset with me.  He asked for my number and I didn't respond, not because I wasn't interested or he wasn't attractive, I was simply in the middle of changing phone plans and didn't have my new number yet.  Before I could get this information he messaged me again "I guess not." I simply responded "Don't take everything too personally - Not everything is about you."  I also realize there's not a chance in hell for a relationship with a man who is this impatient; what's the point in even going on a first date?  But I also "heard" my own words as I wrote them. 

Patricia Evans suggests (The Verbally Abusive Relationship) the following as basic rights in a relationship for you and your partner:

• The right to emotional support
• The right to be heard by the other and to respond
• The right to have your own point of view, even if this differs from your partner's
• The right to have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as real
• The right to live free from accusation and blame
• The right to live free from criticism and judgment
• The right to live free from emotional and physical threat
• The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage
• The right to be respectfully asked, rather than ordered

Not only am I ready to date again, I'm ready to consider a relationship if and when the right man comes along. My requirements have changed, my priorities in life are clear, I know myself better than I ever have before. I won't settle. I'm not interested in settling; I can now honestly say, I'd rather be alone.  I also feel strongly about having a positive male influence in the kids' lives and I would like to meet someone to build and develop a friendship that is long-lasting.  I'm still fairly confident that I won't marry again, and I'm certainly not interested in changing my living arrangements. I just think it would be nice to know who I'm going to spend time with doing things that are mutually interesting to one another.  I'd really like to get off these dating sites although they provide a few good laughs on Facebook from time to time.

The biggest thing I'm coming to terms with is that my memories are that, just memories. They are not me, they are not who I am. They happened to me. I can choose who I am in this moment, whom I want to spend time with and whom I don't, move forward from here without humiliation, shame or embarrassment. I am a good person, I have much to give, I have amazing kids and an extraordinary family.  Somewhere at some point, someone just might convince me that they're equally as amazing and extraordinary.  Through this past year and this healing process I have never let myself "hate men" although many would understand if I did.  I like companionship, I just wanted to make sure I was at a healthy place and not needing it.

Funny enough, my rear-view mirror broke off in my hand this week.  I'm taking that as a sign from the universe: stop looking back.


"I don't think there's any such thing as setting your goals too high." Dan Jansen