"People need revelation, and then they need resolution." Damian Lewis

I feared that the nightmares were back but fortunately it was simply one bad dream; not the stream of ongoing nightmares, nightly, over unresolved issues.  This nightmare was clear, felt very real and made perfect sense.

 Love Note

To receive a love note in your dream symbolizes a budding new love that is blossoming in your life. Alternatively, the dream may mean that you are seeking some reassurance or reinforcement about a new relationship. You are feeling insecure. (www.dreammoods.com)

It was by email and there were two; two letters that within my dream I chose not to read. I chose not to open them because I was certain it was more of the same. More lies. More pleading. No more clarity would come from opening, reading or allowing his words to enter my mind again.

Letter

To dream that you receive a letter signifies a new opportunity or challenge. Alternatively, the letter represents a message from your subconscious. The contents of the letter may offer you some guidance in a current situation. Consider also how the letter may be a pun on "let her".

To tear up a letter in you dream symbolizes past mistakes and regrets in your life.

To see an unopened letter in your dream means that you are intentionally ignoring some information. You are refusing to accept the facts about a situation.

Before I even went to my trusty dream interpretation website, I knew what the letters meant, what they represented in my subconscious:  "refusing to accept the facts about a situation."  I never permitted myself to grieve the loss. Truly grieve as if he were dead.  I've shared this quote with many people whom are going through divorces, breakups... but have I ever truly consumed it's meaning myself?

"If you are giving up the illusion of a relationship and the loss of a dream, you may find that you will grieve the loss of all that you did not have - all that you missed." Patricia Evans

Nothing like the holidays which already spin me into a downward spiral of annual depression, reminiscing and regret but then to have this nightmare be the thing that awakens me on a day where I'm already prepared for my self-inflicted moping.  So instead of heading down my normal path of pushing away emotions and my newly learned coping mechanism of feeling it in order to heal it, I let myself sulk. I let it sink it and it hit me, hard. I had not grieved the loss of all that I MISSED.

In the large perspective of things, we really didn't have that much history together.  Then I began to wonder if it all was about him - the letters in the dream triggered this funk of a bad mood and possibly this revelation but instead of dwelling on the anniversary of the very last time I trusted him, his words that were (always) negated by his actions, I sat and pondered the previous year and resolved to make a New Year's Resolution, which I never do.  Instead of moping and complaining about not having my kids on Christmas morning, giving that up due to not being able to afford to 'make it magical'; instead of wallowing in my self-pity I made two phone calls.  The first call to basically a stranger. Someone I'd met a few nights before who I'd spent a few moments chatting with because she had opted to sit in the lobby of the theater instead of joining her husband inside. I'll give her this, Scrooge was a little dark and the Christmas story, "It's a Wonderful Life", is a bit depressing, but she confessed that she was struggling with anxiety and depression (for the first time in her 73 years) and asked if I had any suggestions for coping skills.  We spoke for a bit and unraveled quite a bit that we had in common, exchanged numbers with the promise to remain in touch. So she received the first Christmas wish phone call from me.  The second call was to my ex-mother-in-law with a holiday greeting and thank you from me for all of her help and support she gives to me and my children - her grandchildren.

This effort lifted my mood for a moment but the quiet morning, too quiet, had me quickly heading back toward the analysis of my circumstances that continually lead to me being without my children on Christmas morning.  If this annual tradition (since the divorce) was to change I had to make some changes.  On my porch, surrounded by my fur-kids I decided that the burdens I carry are too great and if anyone is going to change this for me, it has to be ME.  Better budgeting, better planning and focusing on new ways to generate an increased income.  But do I move? I've lowered our expenses down to the bare minimum for my circumstances; I have to have internet to work. I have to have open lines of communication so I can't ditch my phone.  We can't live any more efficiently than we do.  So the only alternative is to generate more and continue to spend less.

"Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other."~Abraham Lincoln

The second epiphany came in my effort to create a gift for my parents.  It's difficult to receive such generous gifts from family and friends and not be able to reciprocate.  Last year I didn't even go up to spend the holidays with my family. I had a reasonable excuse as I had just purchased a car that desperately needed tires and couldn't afford to rent one for the day.  This year I sat and tried to find excuse after excuse as to how to forfeit yet another holiday with my family. This year I looked and looked for a reason not to go and face the generosity that I am unable to return.  I went out to shop and bought meager gifts with the little I had to spare, at the risk of my cell phone being shut off, I just couldn't show up empty-handed so I did the best I could with what I used to spend on lunch each day.  As I attempted to make a slideshow of pictures to go with my humble gifts I began to gather photos from the previous year of my families' milestones and events and it hit me - how much I've missed.  Not intentionally, at least not always, but due to work obligations, kids' commitments and mostly, because I've been through three vehicles in one year - all in desperate need of repair.  I've missed a lot. Too much.

This year I was poorer than I've ever been this time of year, but thanks to the generosity of an angel was able to surprise my children with filled stockings and a small gift for each under the tree.  They already knew that I was unable to purchase gifts. They already knew the same old story of not having anything extra to spare.  Their genuine surprise and gratitude are the gifts I was to receive in return for a gift from a generous "Santa" who knew I could grasp a moment of the magic I so desperately needed... this angel can never be appropriately repaid. Not in this lifetime.

And then a new, yet dear friend posted this sentiment:

Insight: When you've lived your whole life feeling guilty about receiving abundance of any kind and only feel good when giving, but then wake up one day realizing this unfortunate state of mind you've been in; don't question why, just humbly and joyfully receive all the abundance there is in today and maybe the answer as to why will come in the joy of being on the receiving end of another giver like yourself.

Despite all this good I was still sad.  Then the next epiphany fell upon me: I missed church. I missed the worship and fellowship of the group I've belonged to for nine years.  I won't use this blog post to explain why I've distanced myself from this previously significant part of my life, but I let it hurt for a while. Let it brew within me and shed a tear over the annual routine that has been broken, by my choice. The revelations that took place in this moment I will keep to myself for now... but I allowed the pain of that loss to sink in as well.

"But then at the moment we have a calamity, we wonder where He was."~Dan Malloy

So much more transpired through deep thought and uncomfortable emotions over the past few days while I watched others celebrate with their families, from afar, and enjoyed their moments of surprise, joy, abundance and pleasure.  I want that back for my family. I got a taste of joyful moments as I spent Christmas Eve-Eve indulging my children with the little I had to give.  Through my sadness and depression I made a decision. The decision to not miss a thing. The decision to put family, mine, my children's and my extended family first.  Make every effort to be present, to be involved and to build memories.

The money will come. It always does. The memories cannot be regained.


“Determination gives you the resolve to keep going in spite of the roadblocks that lay before you.”~Denis Waitley