2015 Landmarks: You are confined only the the walls you build yourself

Since I began working with my life coach I'm frequently assigned "homework." A task at which I've almost always been successful but looking back on milestones made in baby steps can be overwhelming emotionally and challenging mentally. She summed up my year of 2015 as the year I "got a hold of myself" - I experienced true self love, got comfortable in my own skin, and embodied who I wanted to be as I was. I eliminated my should've, would've and could'ves. Pretty big steps all achieved with the mantra she gifted to me,

"Did I do the best I could with the tools I had 

available at the time...?"

You know what? The answer is always YES.

Regret and second guessing is no way to live and I'm free of that now.

‪#‎celebrateeverything‬ became my theme for 2015. I succeeded in that in the face of struggles that many might have abandoned ship. So with no regrets I say goodbye to yet another year, I think maybe one of my best ones yet. Therefore it's time to recognize a few self achievements:

I acknowledge myself for the involved, present, communicative mother that I am to my three teenagers.

I acknowledge myself for my integrity and commitment in my business dealings and friendships.

I acknowledge myself for my loyalty.

I acknowledge myself for severing necessary ties when they weren't in line with my personal goals, ethics or morals.

I acknowledge myself for discovering true forgiveness. 

I acknowledge myself for facing my fears and owning my psychological hangups.

I acknowledge myself for the sacrifice it took to honor the commitment to my five year plan to the benefit of my twins' expressed desires. 

I began 2015 as a fiercely and stubbornly independent individual and reaped the benefits of seeing not only my most successful fiscal year in my five-year old business but having the ability to enlist the help of others and financially contributing to their households too. I'm not loving being an employer but I did it. I achieved more than I thought I could through purposeful planning. Taking a month off of work for the first time since my last maternity leave.

Tonight my job is to face a new year, make new plans, and see if I need a new purpose or a refined one.

I opened a second business. Made a few strategic moves in compensation and now find myself in the world of needing a Trust for my assets to secure my children's futures. I'll admit that part of my brain shuts off at the seemingly overwhelming task of investments, money-management and life planning but I will grow up a little. I admitted to my sister, and myself, today that "it is so much easier being poor."  I know exactly what to do when I'm poor. I am facing a whole new territory of monitoring my credit scores, watching the stock market and studying real estate trends. Forward facing I must force myself to be... with two teens ready to spread their own independent wings come Fall. 

One wise move for which I'll give myself credit was facing the empty nest syndrome. I spent a significant time at the beginning of the year in therapy to regain my self; forced myself to do things that had nothing to do with being a mother, picked up a couple of old hobbies, spent more money on myself than I have in the past ten years. Indulged a bit but not enough (according to my therapist). Her hardest challenge with me as a client was convincing me that I had time for ME time. She went so far as to bring up Trump and Oprah and asked me pointedly (in regards to my workaholism) "do you think they maintain personal, romantic relationships, Julie?" Erm, uh... she busted me. It took months of her asking what I did for myself each week only to hear me out on my tales of drinks with clients, lunches, dinners, all revolving around the acquisition of new clientele. I was failing. She played some serious hard ball and made me face the challenge that I could no longer use "little kids" as an excuse nor my (self-inflicted) workload. I had to start dating again and report back - weekly. Ouch. 

A lot of names could be tossed out but I'll spare all of us. I became a dating machine and swiftly moved through men as I checked my wants (not needs - God forbid I stoop to "needing" a man) off my list of desired traits. I gave up. By July, few more dogs got rescued but...

Recognizing the shift and how very close I am to becoming a mom to one, I realized this year I've never had "a kid;" just one. A side effect of giving birth to twins 17 1/2 years ago. I face being a mom to one at home for the first time in my life. I can't know what that will feel like but I am quickly and thoroughly mapping out the next five years of my life - and his. I also recognized that I have deprived my son of seeing his mom do anything for herself, including being in love. As he faces hormones and social challenges, crushes, dances, dating I realize I've not done him justice in modeling the appropriate behaviors.

Then He shows up. 

(That's for another blog on another day.) He who refers to himself as number 612. Those of you who know me well know that it has something to do with rescuing. If you study numerology this won't come as any surprise:

Number 9 is the number of Universal love, eternity, faith, karma...

...may be indicating that it is time to end a phase, situation or relationship that is no longer serving you in a positive way. Rest assured that ‘new’ will enter your life that will enhance and benefit your life and lifestyle in many ways. Prepare yourself today as there is much work for you to do.

So, 2016 - what's my theme? What will be the Hallmark.

I successfully "celebrated everything" so what's next?

How to do move out into the world, away from my isolation and independence, yet maintain my stubborn character and "do the right thing no matter the cost" values? How do I learn to receive gracefully? How do I learn to love unconditionally (humans, not dogs [mastered that!])? How do I learn to be truly accepting and nonjudgmental? Can I walk the talk of truly being loving?

I have fallen in love with myself this year. I felt it. It was crazy and amazing. An exact day at an exact moment. An emotional epiphany, almost spiritual yet with very real butterflies and the contentment of pure happiness. I was absolutely okay and truly happy. I was ready for what entered my life next.

So how do I now move forward with hope, partnership, and compromise? The good news is that I finally want to. Step one ✓ Step two: allowing myself to have pure, uninterrupted ME time ✓ Step three: forsaking all others for a mutually committed, exclusive partnership ✓ Step four, well let's see:

I was given the homework to rate myself in these areas in present time. I am to revisit these categories often in an effort to seek and maintain balance.

1. health 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

2. exercise 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

3. relationships 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

4. home environment 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

5. play 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

6. money 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

7. work 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

8. life purpose 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

9. spirituality 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

10. self-esteem 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Ranking these with honest answers is a good starting point. I started off my year with health and exercise being much, much higher ranked but, hey, at least my relationships and self-esteem have improved!

The biggest challenge I am facing and dealing with daily anxiety about right now is the fear of failing; financially and romantically. I need to face some things from my past that I have been avoiding for years and really conquer these things to move forward including writing a Will. Romance, I fear, will be one of my bigger challenges this coming year. I'm a little too comfortable with a long-distance relationship and need to check myself and the reasons why this works for me so well. One of the wiser investments I made this year upon the recommendation of my life coach was the purchase of the book Undefended Love. I've never had a book change my life so drastically and nearly instantly. I still have quite a bit of work to do and one of their workshops is on my map for the coming year.

If you haven't already figured this out on your own through my lack of blog posts this year, I've become a pit more private about my private life. I've become very introspective and allowed myself to sit with old, emotional triggers and do self-assessment instead of externalizing and launching an attack. I find myself seeing patterns in social media and becoming discomforted by "trends" on these sites (if you pay close enough attention, you'll see them too just by scrolling through your feed). I have become much less opinionated, less advice-filled and more sensitive which has become a double-edged sword.

This has been a lengthy discussion about Step four but I think the Hallmark of 2016 will be balance. 

I can already tell this will be a challenging year. Commitment and love are in full effect. A planned moved. Opening a second corporation that requires I become a full-fledged employer. Hiring a bookkeeper. Financial planning. Future planning. Making an effort to be a better, more present friend. Building a healthy and satisfying relationship. I can become overwhelmed quickly and easily and go right back into hiding. I vow to myself that I won't (come next year aka week)...

I'm going to need to let go of some old habits (being poor, being alone, being "busy"), opening up my heart and mind to being considerate, creative planning, and the biggest challenge of all for me is becoming one but separate while maintaining my core values. 

This year I face the challenge of allowing myself to be loved...

I'm ready, 2016.