"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"~Lily Tomlin

Now that there is time and emotional distance I have allowed myself, having entered my third week of my self imposed man-ban, to ponder what it was about my husband that made me believe "he was the love of my life." Mental illness and stalking behaviors aside, there was a magic between us. My therapist has assured me that "it's okay to recognize what was good in the relationship". The trick is letting myself think about the stuff that was good without reminiscing or seeking something that is in my past, but to take that and put it on my wish list going forward.


I will say I have grown impatient with the online dating world as I receive messages, winks and have the honor (*ahem*) as being ranked in "favorites" from the likes of "Icookntravel", "Big_John80" and "IsSheHere2012" (was there a 2011, 2010 and so on?)  Does a guy think I'm going to jump through my computer screen when his best foot forward is "JustaGuy331" or that I'm not going to come to the obvious conclusion that "Curiousguy69" doesn't just want a sex hookup?

What made my ex "the love of my life"?   Many things that I still struggle to put into words and fear that the only way to obtain what I thought I was so lucky to find at 40 with three kids and a foreclosing home may only be found in a sociopath.  I can't be destined for a life with abusive, neglectful and con-men. I can't. The affectionate caresses while cleaning house, doing chores or shopping with the kids, adoring glances while I was making dinner or powering through a work project, physically connecting on a level that one can only hope to experience in their lifetime, his lack of pretentiousness in not giving a shit if he left the house in paint stained pants whatever tshirt was clean and a beanie, the loving way he'd do small things around the house so I didn't have to, available at all times to go with the flow and cater to my whims. The inside jokes that only come with spending endless hours together, sharing experiences - good and bad.

Quotes like these described the love I thought I had found:

"Love: Two minds without a single thought."~Philip Barry

"Love is being stupid together."~Paul Valery

"She was struck by the simple truth that sometimes the most ordinary things could be made extraordinary, simply by doing them with the right people...”~Nicholas Sparks

When the truth of the matter is this is the quote I was living:

"A woman wants to do many things with one guy, but a man wants to do just one thing with every woman."~Unknown

"To love at all is to be vulnerable."~C.S. Lewis

I was vulnerable alright. I think that's the greatest gift he gave me; not that I gained much from my brief, torrid romance with him but I did gain the knowledge that I could love completely, be vulnerable and give my all.  I've never felt so completely in love with someone before and I realize now that it had nothing to do with him.

So all the "good" I found in him, what I defined as "the man I'd been searching for since I was a little girl"... is any of that possible with a man who also is honest? reliable? dependable? and seeks not only to be with me, and only me, but support my goals and dreams, and protect me from heartaches? (not cause them)

I have to wonder.  The men I've dated over the past year have several things in common; intelligent, passionate (about their own things but passion is passion), responsible, opinionated, intellectual, spiritual, witty, focused, driven - most have also been respectable, adaptable, and thoughtful.

I've also encountered aloof, evasive, private, mysterious, sexy, and alluring.

I may sit here alone wanting "it all" as I continue to analyze all the things that I won't settle for; lying, cheating, dependent con-men who betray the one person who would give them their all just for the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  Everything has become a red flag. At the first sign of disrespect, I'm out. At the first sign of being taken for granted, I'm done.

I copied this from a dating site for "women over 40". I know this stuff but it doesn't hurt to remind myself. "Know all of the possible red flags such as:

• Being late. Without valid reason is a no no. This is a sign of disrespect and shows that you are not sincere on meeting your date.
• Rudeness to other people. This shows your personality which could be difficult to be with.
• Personal habits. Nibbling nails show you are suffering from some mental aberrations.
• Unmindful of others. Disinterest to other people shows poor relationship."

Yes, I will bolt and sever contact at the first signs because I realized the following about investing in someone through my last marriage.  I recall the nights where I'd awaken, physically aching and the pain of having such an abrupt end to a relationship. I've had my feelings hurt before, I've cried over other men but this very real physical pain that I suffered from for months was new to me:

"It's an inter course that combine man and woman, spirit with spirit, or energy and energy. Intimate activity intricately entwined the auric energies between two people. Sex creates a powerful exchange of auric energy... These connections and debris are left upon the aura for a long time because they are not easily cleansed. The longer and more intimate the contact with another person, the more powerful the interactions of the auric fields become and the harder it is for these connections to untangle and leave."

The aura is weakened by:
1. Poor diet
2. Lack of exercise
3. Lack of fresh air
4. Lack  of rest
5. Stress
and so on...

So here I sit here, a little over a year later, alone and finally comfortable with being alone possibly having "cleansed my aura." The introspection I have done and the emotions I continue to process enable me to figure out what I am seeking, what I will not settle for and what I want, regardless of whether that want is fulfilled in this lifetime or not.

"The more children a single mother has, the less her chance of remarrying 
(about 2 million single women have one child; 
1 million – 2 children; 
a half million – 3 or more children)"

If that little factoid doesn't make me depressed I don't know what will! Let's just call that the gasoline to pour right on top of the following tidbit of information:

40 years: women become very attractive and sexual again. "Although the level of hormones continues to fall after 40, the sexuality of many women seems to awaken again."

Fantastic. I've wasted my sexual peak on a sociopath and now continue on this journey of self-discovery as the time-clock ticks away.  I'm failing my weekly homework miserably right now thanks to my man-ban and a best friend who's happily married with a young daughter she's raising as well as being two hours away.  Not that my goal of "mommy time" is to have sex, but it sure would be nice to meet someone and develop a relationship before I get to the next phase in life - menopause.

So I continue to read, be open to dating but not NEEDING to date just to keep myself busy. So what if I'm failing my homework? I'm open to meeting Mr. Right but I absolutely will not settle - not this time around.