"By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which
is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by
experience, which is the bitterest." ~ Confucius
On Saturday night I spent the evening with a man that has been slow but steady and I enjoy his company but it's clear neither of us is in pursuit of anything going anywhere quickly. We've been doing this song and dance since last year and all signs are there as far as attraction and interest in each other. We spend most of our dates engaging in fairly deep conversation as well as sharing stories about work and how thankful we both are to have it. He asked me "so how do you feel about your birthday?" Interesting question as most people ask more simple questions when one's birthday approaches or simply give you well wishes for a great year to come. How did I FEEL about my birthday? Birthdays when you're young are exciting times full of presents, friends and parties and as you age they seem to become just another day in life where you're thrown a little extra attention and maybe a piece of cake. I shared with him, as I will with you, that my 25th birthday was my most pivotal one; my mid-life crisis occurred on that particular birthday so the good news is, I figure I got it out of the way. But "what was so bad about it?" he asked. That particular birthday was the beginning of the realization that birthdays are pivotal moments in time where you can stop, review, assess and ponder accomplishments of goals, fulfillment of dreams and ask yourself if you're where you thought you'd be at that benchmark. At 25, I remember spending most of the day upset and crying because, you see, I thought I'd be a student in medical school by then, was sure I'd be married and probably have or be pregnant with at least one child. I was dating a guy who was separated but still married who didn't know if he even wanted kids, we'd planned a weekend away after having dated over two years already, I wasn't expecting a proposal but a quilt rack? You're joking. None of my goals, dreams nor assumptions had happened and it hit me. Hard.
Then on my 29th birthday I spent the day in the hospital hooked up to machines and monitors due to spotting and bleeding. The nurses would not let me leave until the contractions stopped and they pumped me full of intravenous drugs in an effort to prevent the premature arrival of the two babies inside me. Talk about a pivotal opportunity of learning that your birthday no longer belongs to you! Baby A and Baby B remained safely inside me for another six weeks and one day. I was married three days after this 29th birthday to the man I would spend the next eleven and a half years with.
So I guess my point is, once you get over the fact that your birthday is not all about you the only thing that remains to celebrate are your accomplishments of the previous year. Pause and reflect if any lessons were learned, any knowledge gained and did you make a difference to anyone in the world. I've used my birthdays since my 25th as a moment of reflection, sometimes regret, always with the intent to try to make the next year better; if not for myself for my children.
I spent this year's birthday making up for the past three years; three dates in three days as well as a girl's night out, which was, quite frankly, the best part. I guess I also made up for the weeks I've been slacking in doing my homework and decided to go all out with being an over-achiever this weekend. But hell, it was my birthday so...
"She's got big red lips
She's got big brown eyes
When she treats me right It's a big surprise"
My sister knows me so well and posted this song on my Facebook wall on my birthday. My friends that I confide in know me well, but my sister has been around for some time now. I hope that I'm not THAT bad but these lyrics are fairly telling and who's to argue with someone who's known me for a long time.
Upon reflection of the past year, some major milestones were reached, most of which were unplanned for. This time last year I was separated from my husband ready, once and for all, to file for divorce and end the marriage, but it would not be until seven days later that I discovered the nightmare that would consume the better part of this year. Last year I was working but behind the scenes and decided that it was time to come out of the closet, professionally, and requested that my name be attached the programs and campaigns I had been producing for the company I had worked for the previous year incognito. I was making a difference and was ready to be noticed for those efforts. Through a commitment to my son's dreams we kicked his career up a notch and hired a manager relieving me of my momager position. We moved into a home that permitted me to support our lives for the first time, on my own, in nearly 14 years and got off of church welfare. I took a stand for myself against abuse and chose to no longer sit in hiding and be a victim. I have been single for a year - if you know me that in and of itself is a major accomplishment. All in all, my 42nd year was a significant one.
Moving forward I am coping with the new re-discovery of emotions and feelings; a realm I have not lived in for the past three and a half years. I am not comfortable in this new skin. I do not like it but it is necessary for my long-term survival and mental health. Bottom line is, I owe it to my children. I now sit facing the year where my twins will enter high school and my youngest son's career in full swing. I also have come to terms that these children are my responsibility 95% of the time, after keeping a calendar over the past year of actual custody and visitation. If I'm going to make decisions, I need to face some facts.
My (now ex) father-in-law liked to use the following acronym when guiding me and my ex-husband with life decisions:
If any of the above can be answered in the affirmative then make no decisions. Just halt. I am still working on this concept and it's a daily struggle to learn when to make decisions and when not to.
What has my 42nd year taught me? What lessons were learned that I can use moving forward? Well first off I didn't use the HALT method often enough and am still not nearly often enough. I am learning to respond instead of react, the key word being "learning". I have learned the painful lesson that, despite the fact that words have the power to move me, they are only that - just words. It's a cliche but it's a very valuable one so if there is ANYthing gained from spending my 42nd year on this planet it is that "actions speak louder than words". I will stop, observe and take heed of the actions of others. Sadly, in my 42nd year I acquired a healthy disdain for the phrase "I love you" which is unfortunate and I will spend my 43rd year hoping my mind will change and my heart will soften. The way I see it is that I'll know before or if those words are to ever escape my lips again. I will make an effort to continue focusing on the actions of others. Actions can be very telling and I will move forward knowing that by not ignoring those and forcing myself to hear words with a grain of salt as I wait and observe to see if there's anything to back them up.
One of my favorite lines from a movie I frequently watch with my kids that makes me laugh every time I hear it is from RV with Robin Williams. This line is uttered by his teenage daughter in the film, "What do they like about us? We're not even that appealing." It makes me laugh every time because it's so brutally honest, kind of like, well, me.
As I sit here today just having entered my forty-third year on this planet I'm not sure what I'm doing but I know what I want. For the men in pursuit of spending time with me and my family all I've got to give is honesty. I am guarded so if they choose not to tread deliberately they may as well not move forward at all. After the whirlwind, although enjoyable, weekend I spent kicking off my 43rd year, this year will be about me; reflection, insight, learning to trust my intuition. I feel confident that I don't want to be in a relationship, not right now, not just yet. If I could just get my mind distracted during my loneliest moments, commit to my heart's need to heal and tell my body it's okay to hang tight just a little longer, I may accomplish that goal.On Saturday night I spent the evening with a man that has been slow but steady and I enjoy his company but it's clear neither of us is in pursuit of anything going anywhere quickly. We've been doing this song and dance since last year and all signs are there as far as attraction and interest in each other. We spend most of our dates engaging in fairly deep conversation as well as sharing stories about work and how thankful we both are to have it. He asked me "so how do you feel about your birthday?" Interesting question as most people ask more simple questions when one's birthday approaches or simply give you well wishes for a great year to come. How did I FEEL about my birthday? Birthdays when you're young are exciting times full of presents, friends and parties and as you age they seem to become just another day in life where you're thrown a little extra attention and maybe a piece of cake. I shared with him, as I will with you, that my 25th birthday was my most pivotal one; my mid-life crisis occurred on that particular birthday so the good news is, I figure I got it out of the way. But "what was so bad about it?" he asked. That particular birthday was the beginning of the realization that birthdays are pivotal moments in time where you can stop, review, assess and ponder accomplishments of goals, fulfillment of dreams and ask yourself if you're where you thought you'd be at that benchmark. At 25, I remember spending most of the day upset and crying because, you see, I thought I'd be a student in medical school by then, was sure I'd be married and probably have or be pregnant with at least one child. I was dating a guy who was separated but still married who didn't know if he even wanted kids, we'd planned a weekend away after having dated over two years already, I wasn't expecting a proposal but a quilt rack? You're joking. None of my goals, dreams nor assumptions had happened and it hit me. Hard.
Then on my 29th birthday I spent the day in the hospital hooked up to machines and monitors due to spotting and bleeding. The nurses would not let me leave until the contractions stopped and they pumped me full of intravenous drugs in an effort to prevent the premature arrival of the two babies inside me. Talk about a pivotal opportunity of learning that your birthday no longer belongs to you! Baby A and Baby B remained safely inside me for another six weeks and one day. I was married three days after this 29th birthday to the man I would spend the next eleven and a half years with.
"Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom."~Thomas Jefferson
"She's got big red lips
She's got big brown eyes
When she treats me right It's a big surprise"
My sister knows me so well and posted this song on my Facebook wall on my birthday. My friends that I confide in know me well, but my sister has been around for some time now. I hope that I'm not THAT bad but these lyrics are fairly telling and who's to argue with someone who's known me for a long time.
Upon reflection of the past year, some major milestones were reached, most of which were unplanned for. This time last year I was separated from my husband ready, once and for all, to file for divorce and end the marriage, but it would not be until seven days later that I discovered the nightmare that would consume the better part of this year. Last year I was working but behind the scenes and decided that it was time to come out of the closet, professionally, and requested that my name be attached the programs and campaigns I had been producing for the company I had worked for the previous year incognito. I was making a difference and was ready to be noticed for those efforts. Through a commitment to my son's dreams we kicked his career up a notch and hired a manager relieving me of my momager position. We moved into a home that permitted me to support our lives for the first time, on my own, in nearly 14 years and got off of church welfare. I took a stand for myself against abuse and chose to no longer sit in hiding and be a victim. I have been single for a year - if you know me that in and of itself is a major accomplishment. All in all, my 42nd year was a significant one.
Moving forward I am coping with the new re-discovery of emotions and feelings; a realm I have not lived in for the past three and a half years. I am not comfortable in this new skin. I do not like it but it is necessary for my long-term survival and mental health. Bottom line is, I owe it to my children. I now sit facing the year where my twins will enter high school and my youngest son's career in full swing. I also have come to terms that these children are my responsibility 95% of the time, after keeping a calendar over the past year of actual custody and visitation. If I'm going to make decisions, I need to face some facts.
My (now ex) father-in-law liked to use the following acronym when guiding me and my ex-husband with life decisions:
H.A.L.T.
Are you Hungry,
Are you Angry,
Are you Lonely, or
Are you Tired?
If any of the above can be answered in the affirmative then make no decisions. Just halt. I am still working on this concept and it's a daily struggle to learn when to make decisions and when not to.
What has my 42nd year taught me? What lessons were learned that I can use moving forward? Well first off I didn't use the HALT method often enough and am still not nearly often enough. I am learning to respond instead of react, the key word being "learning". I have learned the painful lesson that, despite the fact that words have the power to move me, they are only that - just words. It's a cliche but it's a very valuable one so if there is ANYthing gained from spending my 42nd year on this planet it is that "actions speak louder than words". I will stop, observe and take heed of the actions of others. Sadly, in my 42nd year I acquired a healthy disdain for the phrase "I love you" which is unfortunate and I will spend my 43rd year hoping my mind will change and my heart will soften. The way I see it is that I'll know before or if those words are to ever escape my lips again. I will make an effort to continue focusing on the actions of others. Actions can be very telling and I will move forward knowing that by not ignoring those and forcing myself to hear words with a grain of salt as I wait and observe to see if there's anything to back them up.
One of my favorite lines from a movie I frequently watch with my kids that makes me laugh every time I hear it is from RV with Robin Williams. This line is uttered by his teenage daughter in the film, "What do they like about us? We're not even that appealing." It makes me laugh every time because it's so brutally honest, kind of like, well, me.
I intend to spend more time with genuine friends and be a good friend. I look forward to another year spending time with my family whom I'm fortunate are all alive, healthy and live close enough to do so. I intend to find out about myself and enjoy the continued realization that I will be okay alone. I will enroll in that ballet class I've been threatening to attend for the past year. I can't read much more than I already do but plan to continue in consuming my favorite past-time. I will focus on my personal dreams and aspirations a little more this year as much as I have my children's for the past year. I will continue to learn to say "no" when it's appropriate. I will spend time showing gratitude for those whose actions are honest, genuine and intentional.
Without going into detail this year will be the one that defines me. I can feel it.
"I don't want to be Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms Wondering what I've got to do Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me"
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