"Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood."~Marie Curie

She doesn't hear a noise, but feels a presence.  She's scared but knows her responsibility. She's not alone in the house so she can't be paralyzed by fear, she must do something, she must take action, she must get up and check the locks on the doors and windows.

She struggles to stand up but can't, her legs completely immobile but not paralyzed.  Her body won't respond to her mind's request to hurry up and move.  She knows the layout of the home and can manuever through it quickly. She doesn't even need to turn on the lights.

She thought the demons had left. She protected herself in every way possible... but she's lived in this quiet, rural town so long that locking the doors are afterthoughts or something you do when you know you'll be gone for longer than the afternoon.

The blinds that never quite close all the way reveal men's work-pants and shoes.  Not dress slacks and loafers, like the first husband. Not thrashed Converse and paint-splattered track pants like the second husband. Just dark pants, maybe Dickies, and shoes - just shoes, nondescript.  These feet and legs aren't familiar and as soon as they realize they've been spotted they casually move away from the French eight-paned, glass door.

Did she lock them?  It's not part of the routine so she can't remember and lays there trying to strain to think if she could save herself from the battle with her immobile limbs.  She's growing more concerned about the window that she knows she leaves cracked open for fresh air in the bathroom... she's confident it's ajar. Did he get in yet though?  Would she walk through the door to face her fears?  Is the fear growing inside her going to lead to a confrontation with her reality?

Shake it off.  Get up and take care of business.  You have children to protect. You have responsibilities that prohibit you from cowering to your fears.  GET UP!

I was only asleep for less than an hour and the nightmares are back, full force.  I'd like to blame it on being introduced to The Walking Dead and spending endless hours consuming the series on NetFlix to bring me up to the current season. I'd like to think that zombies are surfacing in my dreams, but if I live in denial these dreams, nightmares, will only continue.  If I learned anything from my EMDR sessions it's that I am the only one with the power to conquer these deep seated fears, issues, concerns and heal my psyche.

What I find interesting about being a mother is that I will face my fears if something stands between me and my children. At some point during all of my nightmares I figure out that I'm in a dream state and am at some level aware that this is not real, but the fear is real.  I remind the part of my mind that has thought-processing capabilities to take notes so when I do rise to the awakened state I can write it down as detailed as possible and research when I have time the next day.  Once I awaken I do have to take a moment to shake it off. The very real feelings that linger for a moment as you pull yourself into a fully awakened state. Sometimes my heart is racing, like last night. Sometimes tears are streaming down my cheeks and other times the only way to awaken myself is by screaming.

Admittedly this one wasn't as bad as many I've had before, but I won't brush it off as too many zombie episodes. I will take the information from the dream and face my subconscious fears head on.  

Maybe it's the drama in my real-world life that is missing?  I won't go looking for it. I don't want it back.  My real life is in a state of near bliss, emotionally. Financially, I still struggle, but that's not new news.

Maybe now that I'm feeling "safe" in real time my mind is ready to conquer the remaining demons that linger in my mind.

Whatever this is, I will not run and I will not hide.  My fears will not win. Not this time.

Watching

To dream that you are being watched suggests that you are feeling confined in your work environment or personal relationship. You are lacking privacy and feel you are being scrutinized or criticized.

Window

To see a window in your dream signifies bright hopes, vast possibilities and insight. If the window of a house is dark, then it indicates a loss to your perception or vitality.

To dream that you are fixing or replacing a broken window indicates that you are reassessing your view and outlook on life. You are gaining a new perspective on things.

Paralyzed

To dream that you are paralyzed reflects the current state of your body while you are dreaming. During the REM state of sleep, your body is really immobile and paralyzed. People report that they cannot run or hit, despite how hard they try.

Symbolically, dreaming that you are paralyzed means you are feeling helpless or pinned down in some aspects or circumstances of your waking life. You may feel unable to deal with a situation or change anything. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you are feeling emotionally paralyzed.

Fear

To dream that you feel fear indicates that your achievements will not be as successful as you had anticipated. You are experiencing anxieties in various aspects of your life. The key to overcoming your fear is to discuss them and deal with them openly.

To dream that you worse fears are coming true signifies your resistance to change. You are afraid to confront the unknown aspects of yourself.

"If I were dying my last words would be: Have faith and pursue the unknown end."~Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.