"Do not ask that your kids live up to your expectations. Let your kids be who they are, and your expectations will be in breathless pursuit."-Robert Brault

Where are the parents?

Amanda Todd - a new name and a new spokesperson for bullying and suicide.  People are focusing on the bullying and yes, that's a problem but all I could think as I watched her YouTube video and read through the lines of this girl's short, painful life is WHERE ARE HER PARENTS?!

I'm devastated for ALL of these children.  The bullies, the ones who opt for suicide, the ones who stand by and watch.  

This story did not make me sad, it made me angry. Shaking with anger and questioning if I'm good enough as a parent.

Reading her painful tale of self-destruction, seeing how desperately she wanted to be loved.  How old was she? 15?  Just a little bit older than my twins.  WHERE ARE HER PARENTS?!

I spent the weekend in a funk of depression, updating my five-year plan, looking long-term at what is needed to provide for my three kids.  Taking my twins off to one of many first high school experiences. It was homecoming weekend.  Watched my daughter in angst over the "what if he kisses me?" and anxiety over going on her first date with a boy who wasn't even on her boy-crazy radar.  I watched my son's self-esteem get dinged by the girl he asked to the dance by making brownies in which a note was buried that she didn't even bother reading, then took a week to respond that she wasn't going to the dance only to show up and see her there.  Luckily he's a back-in-the-saddle kind of guy and asked another girl who was thrilled by his request and immediately responded with an enthusiastic yes then insisted he take a photo of her flowers and them together to share with her friends.

I've been saying too much how these teenage years are too difficult. Feeling overwhelmed by the boy-crazy stage and texting and music and slipping grades from being simply overwhelmed by EVERYTHING. I'm sitting here as a single mother trying to figure out how to pay rent that is already late and two hundred dollars short.  I'll figure it out, I always do but what I kept coming back to as I sat and re-wrote my five year plan and looked at the bills and listened to the kids' requests for specific favorite foods in the house and my draining bank account balance was that "I can't work outside of the home.  I'll find a way but cannot be gone from the house. They need me."

Once you become a parent you are required - ethically, morally - to provide for your children.  The problem I see when I read stories like Amanda's is the concern of priorities.  Yes, we need money. Money means we need income. Income means we need a job.  A job means you have to leave the house.  Leaving the house means you have to alter your schedule.  Altering your schedule means things have to be planned better.  Planning better means you have to have some goals.

Are most people lost in the goals of...

• Buying a house?
• Driving a new car?
• The latest clothes?
• Fine dining?
• Disneyland passes?   
• Home improvement projects they added to their to-do list because of something they saw on Pinterest?
• Where they're going next summer on vacation?
• That their kids have electronics to make such videos with webcams?
• Cell phones? Facebook pages? Twitter and YouTube accounts?

I've lived that life, I'm not criticizing it because I actually do get the Keepin-Up-With-The-Joneses. I'm simply so grateful I'm past it. Right now my goals are...

• Roof over their heads
• Food on the table
• Be home when they are
• Period. 

This article debunks the MYTHS of bullying (I haven't read the answers yet and below are my opinions only)

1. Bullies lash out because they have low self-esteem.
Bullies lash out because it's tolerated by their parents.

2. Zero-tolerance policies against bullying decrease bullying.

We experienced this at a school during the brief period we lived up in northern California.  The kids' school that had students from kindergarten to eighth grade intermingling on the same campus; my youngest was bullied in the bathroom on many occasions (I pulled him and homeschooled him choosing to repeat kindergarten) - the older son came home with red marks on his neck and face.  They didn't say anything to anyone.  There was a "No Tattling Rule" on campus.  Bullies win.

3. Technology is the problem. Cyberbullying is the main form of bullying these days.

Without Googling I don't know if this is true or not.  My twins have Facebook pages. I monitor them.  If I see a concerning status "FML, I hate my family" (usually posted when they're on visits with their dad) I know it's time to talk, not brush it off as just being a teenager.  My daughter's account has been hacked enough times to have to post "Management" warnings that I will and do prosecute to the full extent of the law.

4. Everyone is equally at risk of falling victim to bullying.

I'm not sure if I can state an intelligent opinion on this one. I was bullied as a kid, from fifth grade well into junior high.  My mom handled it and, if my memory serves me well, a few girls were kicked off the cheerleading squad for a bit.  Interestingly, many years and a Facebook friend request later I received a heartfelt, sincere apology for what she'd done to me.

5. Bullying is a major cause of suicide and school violence.

Again, can't argue without researching statistics but I would think lack of God-fearing parents might be a good place to start in analyzing this one.

Call me Pollyanna but I hope most people feel regret, angst or anxiety over having to leave their young babies in order to get back to work after their six-week maternity leave.  Most people send their toddlers off to daycare disguised as preschool.  Most people think, even when they work, that toddlers require an immense amount of supervision - and they do.

Do we expect teenagers with raging hormones to come to us and share their sorrows, worries and pain?  If you aren't making opportunities for them, how will they know?  Do they trust you with information and their secrets?  Do you take the time to just be?  Are we in such a rush that our kids have to be added to a to-do list?  Or is this rat race the only priority?

Where are we going? What are we doing?

I get annoyed and feel taken for granted often.  I say "you guys have NO idea how much I do" in my internal comparison of my latch-key childhood that I survived.  My calendar is full, daily, of activities five percent of which have my name attached.   

What about our teenagers?  

"... occurring roughly between ages 10 and 13 -- is quickly followed by a process in which the brain prunes and organizes its neural pathways. "In many ways, it's the most tumultuous time of brain development since coming out of the womb," says Giedd.
Confronted by these new discoveries, academics, counselors, and scientists are divided on just what all this means for children.
"Our leading hypothesis ... is the 'use it or lose it' principle," Jay Giedd tells FRONTLINE. "If a teen is doing music or sports or academics, those are the cells and connections that will be hardwired. If they're lying on the couch or playing video games or [watching] MTV, those are the cells and connections that are going to survive."

What about our teenagers?

I woke up this morning knowing that I need to figure something out as my financial well is strained by my kids five-bucking me to death.  I am painfully cognizant that I need an additional source of income.  I am also aware that the income I need to make is minimal and I will not, again, choose a job that requires me to leave a twenty dollar bill on the fridge with a note under a magnet that says "in case I'm late getting home."

I have been bullied. My kids have been bullied.  My kids struggle with the ups and downs of schoolwork, peer pressure, divorced parents, unrequited crushes, rejection, accomplishments, emotions, PMS (well one of them).

It is MY job to be there for the ups and downs. It is MY job to lend an open ear. It is MY job not to add to their stresses. It is MY job to help develop their self esteem.  It is MY job to monitor their online, cell phone and email activities.  It is MY job to be their PARENT.

I may live in a shack after I make it through the next four years but I will be damned if I don't know what's going on in my teenagers' lives even if it takes many long car rides and gallons of chocolate ice cream to get there.

I am so far from a perfect parent it causes me pain. I raise my voice too often. Feel frustrated more often than I plan to. I lack in self-discipline and use the "do as I say not as I do" theory with my kids. I apologize often. I worry. I cry. I have nightmares. I struggle.

My only hopes are:
My kids will know they are loved.
My kids will know they are special.
My kids will know that nothing else mattered than being there for them.