It's nothing short of a miracle. I've been so stressed over bills, busy with the search for more work for a nominal amount of income, overwhelmed by the needs of my teenagers to be here for them as they're struggling through their high pressure academics... I've been too distracted to notice.
It's gone. I'm not even sure when it stopped because it became my unnoticeable norm, part of my life. I had resigned that I would feel this way forever. I have gone to bed every night since May 27th with it, I have awoken every day since with it... I have altered my life as to limit the amount of times I bend over. Have adjusted by using pliés, being the ballerina I am, to do a full grande to pick up, fill, then set down the dogs' water bowls. My monkey toes have become skilled in grabbing things off the floor in order to remain vertical as often as possible. My hair washing techniques, my makeup application, blow-drying my hair, everything's changed and become normal, for me. Five months appears to be the amount of time it takes to change your daily routines drastically. To adjust to the new ways to behave and perform daily tasks and chores.
But as I called the imaging center to find out if they had received the paperwork from my attorney to approve the contrast MRI needed in order to go see the neurosurgeon about my damage and problem, it hit me as I was on hold for the sixth minute of the 50th attempt to schedule, I realized. It's gone.
I have no idea when it stopped. It has to have been in the past few days. I just spoke of it last week and how my life has been permanently altered... but in manageable way. How I've adapted and changed and manage.
I was stunned by the realization, the new-found hope and borderline elation. I began simultaneously tearing up and laughing to myself. I'm back. All of me has returned. The dizziness stopped. I can tilt my head back, to the side, bend my neck all the way down. I did it over and over and over again while I sat in the long pick-up line at the elementary school. I spun my head around quickly, then slowly, then again just to check and make sure. Is it really over? Is it really gone?!
How can this be?
I may lose some of you here to the "she's nuts" file cabinet, but in the past week I have added a new mantra to my nightly routine. In addition to saying "I love you Julie" every night as I lie down to sleep, I've added "I deserve peace, I deserve security, I deserve love" and have been doing so since the weekend. I added prayers to my routine last night and had a long talk about my gratitude for the blessings in my life and plead for direction and sanity. The one thing I know about prayer is that you must thank before requesting. You see in movies all the time, the actors look up to the sky and beg for help, pleading in their most desperate moments for a sign. You must always remember to give thanks. Whomever a person's higher power is is their business alone but I don't know how I'd have gotten through all of my messes if I didn't have something other than this mind of mine to turn to.
My prayer was lengthy and full and apologetic for being so distant of late. I purged all of my gratefulness for all the gifts, blessings and things we do have. Then put my requests into the hands of Him with all of the trust I could muster. I've been living on a shoestring for four years now. I have struggled to provide for these children and gone many nights without dinner so they can have the things they need. I make many sacrifices to be the only thing that matters in this secular world which is my most valued title - Mom.
I'm cautiously optimistic that this change is permanent. That I can now wrestle with my boys, shoot hoops, race them to the car, dance with my daughter.. or simply go to bed without my head spinning, literally.
These new habits are most likely ingrained, but what joy I am experiencing today that I have suffered no permanent damage from the accident that could have left my children motherless. How grateful I am for all the gifts I have received in this life despite all the pain of the trials that brought me here.
It's gone. I'm not even sure when it stopped because it became my unnoticeable norm, part of my life. I had resigned that I would feel this way forever. I have gone to bed every night since May 27th with it, I have awoken every day since with it... I have altered my life as to limit the amount of times I bend over. Have adjusted by using pliés, being the ballerina I am, to do a full grande to pick up, fill, then set down the dogs' water bowls. My monkey toes have become skilled in grabbing things off the floor in order to remain vertical as often as possible. My hair washing techniques, my makeup application, blow-drying my hair, everything's changed and become normal, for me. Five months appears to be the amount of time it takes to change your daily routines drastically. To adjust to the new ways to behave and perform daily tasks and chores.But as I called the imaging center to find out if they had received the paperwork from my attorney to approve the contrast MRI needed in order to go see the neurosurgeon about my damage and problem, it hit me as I was on hold for the sixth minute of the 50th attempt to schedule, I realized. It's gone.
I have no idea when it stopped. It has to have been in the past few days. I just spoke of it last week and how my life has been permanently altered... but in manageable way. How I've adapted and changed and manage.I was stunned by the realization, the new-found hope and borderline elation. I began simultaneously tearing up and laughing to myself. I'm back. All of me has returned. The dizziness stopped. I can tilt my head back, to the side, bend my neck all the way down. I did it over and over and over again while I sat in the long pick-up line at the elementary school. I spun my head around quickly, then slowly, then again just to check and make sure. Is it really over? Is it really gone?!
I may lose some of you here to the "she's nuts" file cabinet, but in the past week I have added a new mantra to my nightly routine. In addition to saying "I love you Julie" every night as I lie down to sleep, I've added "I deserve peace, I deserve security, I deserve love" and have been doing so since the weekend. I added prayers to my routine last night and had a long talk about my gratitude for the blessings in my life and plead for direction and sanity. The one thing I know about prayer is that you must thank before requesting. You see in movies all the time, the actors look up to the sky and beg for help, pleading in their most desperate moments for a sign. You must always remember to give thanks. Whomever a person's higher power is is their business alone but I don't know how I'd have gotten through all of my messes if I didn't have something other than this mind of mine to turn to.
My prayer was lengthy and full and apologetic for being so distant of late. I purged all of my gratefulness for all the gifts, blessings and things we do have. Then put my requests into the hands of Him with all of the trust I could muster. I've been living on a shoestring for four years now. I have struggled to provide for these children and gone many nights without dinner so they can have the things they need. I make many sacrifices to be the only thing that matters in this secular world which is my most valued title - Mom.
I'm cautiously optimistic that this change is permanent. That I can now wrestle with my boys, shoot hoops, race them to the car, dance with my daughter.. or simply go to bed without my head spinning, literally.
These new habits are most likely ingrained, but what joy I am experiencing today that I have suffered no permanent damage from the accident that could have left my children motherless. How grateful I am for all the gifts I have received in this life despite all the pain of the trials that brought me here.
"Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms
of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If
you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments
that take your breath away."~Hitch, 2005
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