This too shall pass

There's no excuse for the anxiety attack I'm having.

Wait. Yeah there is.

Life is good and I have more blessings to count than I have trials, but the current trials leave a knot in my stomach and an angst that I cannot shake.

I have moments of happiness, moments of clarity, moments of purpose, even rare moments of feeling completely content.  Those are, many times, overshadowed by stress of daily to-do lists, anxiety over the choices I've made in my past the lead me to the place I am today and bills. The bills.

I picked up a new client this week and the prospects are exciting so I enjoyed a moment of exhilaration and excitement with my children as I showed them the contract to secure income through the beginning of next year, more than my goal and more than we needed. Then I asked the question "Do you guys know what this means?" with much anticipation but their responses were as modest as our circumstances: "you can pay rent?" "you can be less grouchy?" "we can eat?"... "No, it means I might be able to afford Christmas gifts for the first time in four years."

Yes things really are that tight and have been for some time.  I choose this lifestyle for us.  I choose to be a mother first, "everything" else second.  The writer, the PR person, the marketing specialist, the Pit Bull lady, the advocate, the rescuer, even the girlfriend comes second to the kids. 

Necessities are met. We struggle many months, but my job is to make ends meet and sometimes it's a big stretch and other times there's a small overlap that inspires me to ask them "what movie would you guys like to rent?" and "Now go pick out your favorite candy. And yes, popcorn too."

My kids are appreciative of the small tokens I can provide and tolerant of the lack of finances that prevent us from having "normal"(?) experiences like movie-going, vacations and new car shopping. They understand that my goal, my job, my purpose is to be here for them.  They understand that we can't have many things but I hope that I instill the mantra I was given to repeat by a family therapist over 12 years ago to "choose people over things" in an effort to recover from the OCD symptoms that were affecting my marriage and parenting of my toddler twins.

Our home is a mess most days. We have too many pets which means too much fur amongst too much dust which adds "housekeeper" to my never-ending list of titles. I have too many jobs that each get their own attention during the hours my kids are at school, or late into the night (I guess morning) while I'm not performing chauffeur and taxi-driver duties.

Being an at-home mom was all I truly dreamed about as a young girl; sprinkled with becoming a doctor and my early adoration for animals.  But really when I spent time day dreaming it was about the children I was determined, maybe destined, to raise.  I refuse to become part of the rat-race for the nicest house or the newest iPhone, or walk onto a lot to purchase the latest model of SUV with all the extras.  I am of the opinion that many strive for too many things they want and don't focus on the things they need.

I have another company interested in meeting me, after seeing my resume, and are pursuing me with the intent of a horny mid-20s suitor.  Both of those are of no interest to me.  I am confident I could work outside of the home in the line of work I've been doing since the divorce from the kids' dad and make a pretty penny and provide my kids with all the things they want; but what they NEED is an ever-present, involved parent.  The shiny things in life can be a goal again some day.  Just not now.  There is time for all of that... later.

My anxiety attack is inspired by the fact that I know I owe rent for October and November is facing me just days away.  My anxiety is triggered every time I see the 800 number on my phone; apparently AT&T would like me to pay for the cell phone I need to continue to work.  My anxiety is triggered when my kids say "I'm hungry."  My anxiety is triggered when I awaken with a swollen cheek from the festering infection resulting from the dental care I cannot afford.  My anxiety is triggered by knowing I work fifty hours a week and sleep twenty.  My anxiety is triggered by two growing boys whose appetites increase daily. My anxiety is triggered when my daughter wants me to take her to do girl-things, like the manicure she deserves for going two weeks without biting her nails.

All I can count on are leaps of faith, family and my closest friends...and prayer.  We have been riding this sacrificial-roller coaster for a long time now and my five year plan remains intact because the only title that holds any real value when they're reading my obituary some day is Dedicated Mother.

Now off to volunteer in my youngest son's classroom.

"A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie."  ~Tenneva Jordan