"Loyalty demands participation, the rest is simply wishful thinking."~ Unknown

Listening to my daughter give teenage advice to her friends is excruciating at times... okay most of the time.  What I hear through her words are the reminders of what I've said, what she's seen and what she's learned.

And that makes me worry...

Teenage advice from her 14 year old wisdom bank with the only influence being from parents who divorced when she was ten. A hard-working but financially poor mother, who's twice divorced yet still believes in romance and a father who doesn't respect the woman he lives with enough to label it anything.


Our family received some good news this weekend in the form of the kids' dad deciding, after four years of requests from me, to "move home."  I did not choose this small, rural town as what would become my children's home town - he did; with the purchase of a restaurant in 2004.  He spent so much time working at his first purchase of his own business that, even though we lived in a neighborhing town, we never saw him.  Having two kindergartners and a one year old, I convinced him that if we lived around the corner from the bar/restaurant, we could see him more often and we did.  That time of our lives was probably the best of times I can recall of our marriage.  The effort I made to run by, do the books upstairs from our toddler-friendly office, and at least seeing him on a daily basis. I do not regret my decision in making this town their home... I am just the only one who committed to it, long term.

When the twins started high school this Fall, I gave it one last shot. I begged, provoked and gave him the best lecture I could muster, knowing it would be my last effort to salvage a relationship with his children.  The "they'll be grown before you know it; in a blink you'll have missed EVERYTHING" talk seemed to have sunk in - this time.  He informed us that he will be transferring work assignments which will put his work and his new residence about 40 minutes south of us.  If he'd have consulted me or simply asked my opinion, I would have insisted he move into the same town.  He is touting his intent to be involved with their lives on a daily basis and I sent him a text letting him know "I'm proud of you and you won't regret this decision, trust me" even knowing that his choice of new residence is close but no cigar.  I am puzzled as to why he wouldn't just choose to live down the street, around the corner, when he's already going to the expense and hassle of moving for the 17th time in their 14 years.

I am going to try not to be Negative Nancy and give him a shot at proving what is his last chance at being an involved parent.  If only for the benefit it may have on our daughter.

A father's influence in his daughter's life shapes her self-esteem, self-image, confidence and opinions of men. "How Dad approaches life will serve as an example for his daughter to build off of in her own life, even if she chooses a different view of the world," says Michael Austin, associate professor of philosophy at Eastern Kentucky University and editor of Fatherhood - Philosophy for Everyone: The Dao of Daddy.
"What matters in the father-daughter relationship is that Dad seeks to live a life of integrity and honesty, avoiding hypocrisy and admitting his own shortcomings, so that she has a realistic and positive example of how to deal with the world. He should try to model a reflective approach to life's big questions so that she can seek to do the same," he adds.

Is this a step in the right direction? Yes.  Now if we could just get rid of his live-in girlfriend of four and a half years (yes, we've only been divorced for 3 1/2, legally) who has all but abandoned her own three children to follow him about.

Above all else, be the kind of man you want your daughter to marry. “Women gravitate to what is familiar,” says Dr. Meg Meeker, author of the bestselling book Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters. “How you treat your daughter and your wife is how she will expect to be treated by her spouse.”

I can only ask for so much, and it's not like I've been a glaring, positive example of "self-esteem, self-image" but I have provided all of my kids with honesty and have openly and apologetically admitted my shortcomings.  My constant apology to these three is "choose better than I have" backed with guidance and commitment toward each of their personal goals.  Where I have fallen short for my daughter is my living, breathing example by my choices in men.

I'm not going to beat myself up too much tonight.  Listening to my daughter express joy for her best friend who happens to now be the girlfriend of my daughter's boy-best-friend who really is her own crush, shows that my daughter has a level of maturity and graciousness about her.  Although a twinge of envy and pain creeps across her when she speaks to me, she exudes confidence and true friendship when talking to her friend about the happiness she feels that this boy has chosen her.  I'm not sure I could muster up the sincerity with which I heard my daughter tell that half-truth.  In fact, I'm confident I couldn't.  Just twice today, I had a twinge of irritation with a situation I had to deal with myself.  Somewhere between the exhaustion from being ill for the past 24 hours and facing the days ahead that would be draining in the best of circumstances, I found myself annoyed by the fact that someone who is, by their choice, no longer in my life is being friendly with friends I had introduced.  My annoyance grew enough that I was done being exposed to it any longer.  I found this level of irritation to be an unnecessary part of my day and did what any immature teenager might do, and blocked that person from having any interaction with me.  I work online, who needs that type of distraction whether I'm in a good, bad or indifferent mood?

Top it off with yet another mutual friendship I was privy to creating and being told that a former -don't even know how to categorize him, because he never quite made it to "boyfriend" status - 'friend' might be stopping by my house.  I wasn't even in the state of mind to have my current love interest see me in the state I'm in, but to have my neighbor casually state "so and so is coming by; told him if I wasn't here to just see you."  Thanks. Thanks a lot.  It's my fault.  I am always inclined to be a matchmaker - whether it's business (isn't that what I do?), friendship, mutual interests, sometimes even potential candidates for dating, if I see any common interests that might lead to a spark.

So the matchmaker always ends up being the one who's outed.  I can't begin to count the number of "friendships" I've lost over making introductions.  If I began to retell this tale, I'd spiral into a depression.

To each his own.  Everything happens for a reason right?  Maybe my purpose in this world is to make introductions and move on...

My line of work is to make introductions, "network" and foster potential, mutually beneficial relationships.  Is it those individuals faults that I have made bad decisions along the way?  Is it their fault that I have created my own impression of loyalty that really doesn't exist?

A man I dated in my early twenties told me "You can count your true friends on one hand."  That made a distinct impression on me at that time but I haven't come to fully comprehend it until this year.  I try to impart this knowledge on my children and hope that it sticks for them sooner than it did for me.

Be honest, be kind, be loyal.  There isn't always a payoff to having these traits, but if you stay on this path, the true friends will walk beside you and fake, temporary friends will fall by the wayside.

I hope I haven't completely ruined my daughter's image of men or friends for that matter.  I can pray that her grandfathers and uncles can show the commitment that belongs in a marriage.  I hope that the limited number of men I have introduced her to make her realize there are some nice men out there and simply because they are not "the one" that they aren't all assholes, narcissists or sociopaths out to take advantage.  That the few I have brought around as friends and then explained to her, at a level she can comprehend, the differences and reasons that we had to part ways.  What I try not to expose her to is the pain or frustration I feel, as much as she feels when her crush chooses someone other than her, affects me in any other way than to remain positive and wish them the best.  I may always feel the pain of the 14 year old girl that feels left behind. I may always struggle to make sense of friendships that I initiated, have watched flourish to only be left in the dust.  I may never be the best example I should be for my daughter.

I can hope and pray that she one-ups me.  I can hope and pray that her father's intent is real.  I can hope and pray that in the final stretch of her upbringing that she can see a loving, committed relationship and what "healthy" looks like.

I can hope. I can pray.

I am not a child now. I can take care of myself.

I mustn't let them down now - Mustn't let them see me cry.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm too tired to listen. I'm too old to believe:

All these childish stories.

There is no such thing as faith, And trust, And pixie dust.

I try, But its so hard to believe.

I try, But I can't see what you see.

I try. I try. I try.

My whole world is changing, I don't know where to turn.

I can't leave you waiting, But I cant stay and watch the city burn;

Watch it burn.

'Cause I try, But it's so hard to believe!

I try, But I can't see where you see.

I try. I try.

I try and try,

To understand, The distance in between:

The love I feel, The things I fear,

I every single dream.

I can finally see it. Now I have to believe:

All those precious stories.

All the world is made of faith, And trust, And pixie dust.

So I'll try, 'Cause I finally believe!

I'll try, 'Cause I can see where you see!

I'll try. I'll try! I will try!

I'll try - To fly.