Life is what happens...

Did someone mention plans? What plans?
Oh yeah, that dastardly five year plan I'm so stuck on abiding by.

“Announcing your plans is a good way to hear God laugh.”
~David Milch

After over twenty hours of sleep this past weekend and resurfacing from a zombie like trance, I faced the week like the carpooling, too-many-jobs-I've-lost-count, momager that I am.  I definitely felt weak yesterday but could not find sleep.  I realize that the time changed, but couldn't help laughing at myself when I looked this morning to see that I posted on my Facebook wall at 2am last night - wait this morning.

I've never been much of a sleeper. Even in my youth, usually five to six hours suffices.  Some call it insomnia but I call it normal and I've come to avoid early nights because they usually result in nightmares and/or sitting up wide awake staring at dark walls at 3am.

Awakening to normal alarms and morning carpool duties to two schools, I took on the day like any other Monday (although I had to ask twice today what day it was...) and got my work done quickly and efficiently before setting off to CBS for yet another audition with my youngest son.  Luckily our drive was intercepted by the pleasantry and insistence of my man who met us midway and took over driving duties into Hwood.  I ran in to the Department of Labor and renewed my son's work permit as quick as a flash and even got to flirt at two newbies in the business in the form of twin baby girls.  The audition went by quickly - too quickly - and from the filmmaker/director/producer I spend much of my free time with, I was informed that it means they are going for "looks" on this casting - not acting skills.  Good thing I didn't spend half the day coaching my son who in no uncertain terms, including air-quotes, states that he "does not need acting lessons from his mom."

The day ended up fairly pleasant considering we had had to cancel our weekend plans to avoid the horrible virus from spreading through another household, so it was a much needed reunion full of soul-replenishing hugs... but as most of my days go, it wouldn't be uneventful.  As we sat at dinner, after accomplishing all of the missions we'd set out to accomplish he said something about our conversation last night.  I looked at him with a blank stare and puzzled expression that convinced anyone within the same room that I had no idea what he was talking about.  It took a moment and by confirmation of my phone records, we had spoken the night before for over an hour.   I saw the look of brief hurt in his eyes, then recalled that yes, yes in fact we had spoken.

We parted ways where we had met, which left me with a little over an hour remaining in the drive to get my working-kid home and back to homework assistance duties with the teenagers (little did I know I'd be doing an emergency run to CVS for stye supplies).

During that hour drive south my life flashed in front of my eyes... thoughts spiraled and plans were reanalyzed and I wondered what I was doing in my life, what direction is it that I'm really headed and was what occurred this weekend what I had assumed it was.  I think I had my answer and the answer scared me.

When I fainted, which is what I assumed what had happened from being physically and emotionally drained, is that really what had happened?  Or was it, could it have been, possibly another minor stroke.  Like the end of a movie, with twists and turns and a non-obvious climax, things spiraled in front of my eyes like a rapidly moving movie screen and right in front of my mind, right there glaring in my cognitive line of sight was what I am confident was the truth; I had suffered another stroke.

The kids all had the same virus, similar symptoms but none of them were in the shape I was.  None of them passed out.  None of them had the level of incapacitating weakness that I felt.  None of them had the combined headache that left me with barely being able to life my head.  None of them had the dizziness and lack of want to communicate.

I am sure, and so were my doctors, that my two previous strokes were caused by stress.  Luckily none have left me (yet) with permanent damage other than a ditzy demeanor for a few days, maybe weeks, following the incidents. 

In addition to or instead of the traditional stroke signs, a woman may have:

• Loss of consciousness or fainting
• Shortness of breath
• Falls or accidents
• Sudden pain in the face, chest, arms or legs
• Seizure
• Sudden hiccups
• Sudden nausea
• Sudden tiredness
• Sudden pounding or racing heartbeat (palpitations)

While this new research is important, the traditional stroke warning signs are still the most common symptoms of stroke. The new findings are a helpful reminder — to both you and your doctor — that women may have different symptoms. (MayoClinic.com)

The stress I face daily is inevitable.  Single-mom duties, three active, bright children, the 95% burden of their needs/wants/desires, the jobs that I must complete to have the finances to house/feed/clothe them, and the never-ending, rarely accomplished goal of meeting monthly expenses on time.  These are my responsibilities. This is my world.  I don't have a choice, I just do.

Add on additional stresses of nonsense, as well as not-such-nonsense like the pain and agony over the fear that we might be losing our faithful, canine family member I think the virus that was taking over my body may have masked the symptoms of yet another stroke.  I don't have medical insurance to go have myself checked out; the last two times they did the full array of xrays, CAT-scans, MRIs, blood tests, exams all to yield "nothing" and to be told every time I walk into a physicians office that I have the blood pressure of a healthy, active teenager what would I be searching for....? More evidence of "nothing" being wrong?

I know what I need to do - it's simple: eliminate stress to every possible degree that I can.

So I spent that hour drive home as my son fell asleep behind me in the car reanalyzing my five year plan; wondering if I should move closer to my family; wondering if taking on another client was such a good idea; wondering where the rent is coming from and do I really have my expenses as low as they can possibly be; wondering if being an advocate for things that don't immediately affect us is something wise for me to do with my time; peripheral friendships; relationships that have no real depth.  Then I flashback to my first set of strokes that lead to my impulsive decisive to agree to marry the man who had been asking for five months with the thought that "I don't want to die alone" only to create an extraordinary amount of stress by succumbing to his wishes...

Analyzing, re-analyzing, wondering.  What good am I as an at-home mom, working five jobs, struggling at best financially, if I'm paralyzed?  What good am I to my kids if I don't make it into THEIR futures?

 What price will we all pay for my stubbornness toward my five year plan?  I can never be the type of person who "lives for today" because I care too much about others.  What can I stop caring about though? What burdens am I able to release?  What are my true, nonnegotiable responsibilities? What will I do about the future if there is no future for me?

I have much thinking and analysis to do.  It appears this stroke, seemingly mild one, only left me with some slight memory loss this time, a few hurt feelings and a big wake up call.