Twenty

As I face my 44th year of celebration on this earth, as I sat in the car driving up to Los Angeles for the lost-count-to-the-nth-degree time my aspiring model and actor fell asleep giving me some quiet time to be introspective on the the two hour drive.

Where was I twenty years ago? What were MY plans, dreams and goals before I had three children whose plans, dreams and goals came before mine?

Twenty years ago I was 23 facing 24, usually scantily clad. Twenty years ago I was quite single, and ironic twist of fate that made me smirk with melancholy thoughts.  Am I different? Have I changed? Or is the essence of who I was then still here?

I have been told I lack a sensitivity chip and then think of the cliche "walk a day in my shoes" which, actually is insensitive because until I've walked a day in theirs I can't know their feelings, prompted by my words (or lack of). Irony, my favorite thing.

"Everything passes; everything wears out; everything breaks." ~French proverb

So true. 

Things pass, things wear out, things break. And...?  We become wiser - through experience and gained knowledge. We become more humble - as our bodies change (unless you opt for a nip, tuck and implants). We become ourselves in the truest sense - at least that's what I believe I've become.  I have had long history of being insecure, unsure, doubting and that is something I am conquering daily. I still have anxiety attacks but instead of coping with them in immature ways, I recognize that it is MY anxiety, go with the approach of facing it head on and analyze the true cause in my psyche that's reacting, reminding myself not to lash out at what (or whom) provoked the response.

As I sat in the quiet (since my radio is broken and my kid doesn't snore) I thought about all the times I had driven myself up to LA for auditions, in the hopes of gaining a job as an actress or a model, then let myself laugh a little as it sinks in that my son's resume was longer than mine within his first year of signing with an agency as we are now well in to year three. Exactly twenty years ago I drove the same freeways in hopes that I could work, simply work. I never wanted to be famous, which is consistent to the me of today. Nonetheless, those days are full of good memories in my life that I will never regret, even though my kids tease relentlessly that I was a "bikini model." They love to retell my stories of semi-famous boyfriends to anyone who will listen. They love to make the years before them larger than life when retelling my stories of my single days. I did many other things than model and always knew my ability to walk and talk simultaneously and intelligently, was what kept me working and brought me many experiences that have lead me to the path I stand facing today.

A lot has happened in the past twenty years and to recount it all, even through my own silent memory bank would take far longer than the two hour drive to get to the La Brea exit.  I let myself enjoy the reminiscing and thoughts of how much, back then, that all I ever wanted I now have today. Then ask myself, where will I be in twenty more years? Will I even BE here? What will I look back upon as fond memories? And will I have regrets for the choices I am making now, in twenty more years?

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” ~Robert Brault

My son asked me recently "Are you sorry you had us? Wouldn't your life be easier if you didn't have to deal with the three of us?"  I wasn't quiet long when I spoke to him, from the most honest place in my soul "You know what Jake? When I was in my twenties, I used to have a really nice house, everything was clean and in order. I had nice things, made good money and could spend it on the things I wanted and needed. I had a nice car, fun times, but the one thing I can recall clearly and tell you now, is that I would wake up every weekend, with a clean house, a clean car and no plans and wonder, 'what am I going to do today?'  And that had a twinge of sadness, because all I've ever truly wanted was to be a mom.  Every day I get to be with you, I can now say 'look how lucky I am' and never have to wonder what I'm going to do. You three are the best thing that's ever happened in my life."



My only wish as I sit here today, not twenty years ago, not twenty years from now, but right now is the hope that they believe me.