Spare change and a stroke of luck

"The drama's done. Why then here does any one step forth? Because one did survive the wreck." ~Herman Melville

It went away for a few days. I bought the exfoliating products I thought might help, the special medicated lotion.  I haven't even had it diagnosed because I have Google.  They appeared out of nowhere, shortly after Christmas; perhaps my new perfume? perhaps a change in my diet... how much can something that ends in "ine" change that abruptly? A new lotion? No. New soap? Nope. New shampoo? Not it.  So what brought on the hives on my chest right smack in the middle of my barely existent cleavage?  I think I have the answer now.  I went about a week and a half with no outbreak, actually felt my soft skin return and ventured to wear a low-plunged blouse. But it's back, in full force and I'm doing everything that my willpower allows not to scratch my neck and chest.

The shingles are always there. Always hiding under the surface but unlike the hives, they're contagious.  They limit my ability to roughhouse, to cuddle and to do much at all with anyone who may come in contact with my lower back.  I try as I might not to scratch, use whatever over-the-counter products I can to alleviate the ever-present pain and inflammation as I give time some time.  I've been coping with this twenty years now despite "Shingles... most common... because of stress,...or other reasons. Most people who get shingles will get better and will not get it again." No such luck at least until I learn to manage my stress better. 


These minor annoyances are constant reminders to slow down, take time off, seek and conquer balance in my life.  Constant reminders that I choose to forge through and ignore, to the best of my ability through the constant use of Cort-aid.

Stress (noun): constraining force or influence: as
a : a force exerted when one body or body part presses on, pulls on, pushes against, or tends to compress or twist another body or body part; especially : the intensity of this mutual force commonly expressed in pounds per square inch
b : the deformation caused in a body by such a force
c : a physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation
d : a state resulting from a stress; especially : one of bodily or mental tension resulting from factors that tend to alter an existent equilibrium
e : strain, pressure
2: emphasis, weight

I told myself a month ago, when taking on two too many clients that I would hire the help I needed to conquer the things that needed achieving.  I made a choice between turning away new clients or hiring an assistant to help with the workload; I chose the latter.  What I didn't realize was the workload that would be added in order to train someone to do what I've been doing for over three years now - to share my, sometimes useless, knowledge base of all the things that come so easy to me, yet had to be broken down into consumable steps in order to share my learned skills with another and bring them up to the level of performance that my clients have grown to count on.  What I didn't know was that launching my own business to the next level would be a job in and of itself; so essentially I took on three clients at once. 

I told myself a month ago, that for 90 days I could pull 60-hour work weeks and chose not to turn away work but to take on all that was coming toward me with the reality that this was all I've worked for. I did it. My business is blossoming and I've earned a reputation that has provided me with enough income to reach my personal goals of being an at-home, working mother. 

With this goal being met sooner than expected, I have also come to terms that I cannot do it all myself.  That I need help and must ask for it before I crash and burn.  Unfortunately, I didn't reach out soon enough.

I had convinced myself and my most recent client that I could manage a 90-60 arrangement in the transition of setting myself up for long term success.  But what happens if I'm not here, or at least not all in one piece, to reap the benefits of that success?  What happens if the warning signs are not enough to get me to find that off switch that I claim I don't have?

Thursday, 2:05 pm - After walking outside to tend to our mini-farm I returned indoors after thinking "what a gorgeous day it is today... this is the type of day I should throw the kids in the car and take them on an outdoor adventure..."  Not only did I think that, I texted it to a friend.  Moments later I sat down to type one more line of chat in a conversation with a colleague as I realized that I must have looked at something a little too bright while I stepped outside. You know those sun spots that take over your line of sight for a few moments?  That's what it was. I was fine, just shake it off, Julie.  Then I grabbed my purse and my keys to come to the realization that I had no business driving but it was time to go get my youngest son from school.  Luckily, I used my newly-learned skills to ask for help and sent a text to a dad I knew my son would trust if I asked him to give him a ride home.  I returned to my chat box only to realize that I still couldn't see, fifteen minutes later.  I knew it right then.  I had had my fourth, mild stroke - a TIA to be exact. 

I tried to convince myself it was just the bright day but the dizziness and nauseousness came upon me quickly. Then the tears hit and I knew I had no choice but to take the remainder of the day off.  I also knew I should be dialing 9-1-1, but what's the point when you don't have medical insurance?  And what's the point when the three preceding mini-stokes simply resulted in me signing an AMA form?

I lay down knowing the inevitable was coming, texted the people I knew would handle the remainder of my obligations of the day and cried.  Cried over the fact that I was scared. Cried over the fact that I knew why I had this, yet another, warning. Cried over the fact that one of these days I would not have the benefit of recovering within hours to return to my workload.

I forced myself to take a few days off. I forced myself to stick to my stated deadlines of working a half-day.  I forced myself to escalate the training of my assistant who was not to begin to clock-in for four more days. I forced myself to let go of anything and everything that didn't benefit my mental well-being. I forced myself to relinquish control.

I sit here now purging this news knowing what caused my body to scream "enough IS enough!"  I sit here now contemplating my choices of the past few months and wondering if another direction is in order. I sit here now thankful for the partnerships I have developed that are relieving some of the burden of my stresses.  I sit here now having placed clear boundaries on my time with hope that they won't only be heard but respected.

Heavy on my mind is the memory of the cause of my first stroke.  Despite the lingering dizziness and exhaustion I am still experiencing since Thursday, I am confident that I will not make the same mistakes again.  I am confident too that I am scared that I will not be able to be the mother I need and want to be to my children for the remainder of their lives, if I do not change.



"When someone says you've changed , that simply means you've stopped living your life their way." ~Unknown