Diversion, Deviation or a healthy Distraction?

Diversion (adverb)

1: the act or an instance of providing amusement or entertainment from a course, activity, or use

Deviation (noun)
1: departure from an established ideology or party line
2: noticeable or marked departure from accepted norms of behavior

Distraction (noun)
1. Something, especially an amusement, that distracts.
2. Extreme mental or emotional disturbance; obsession

No matter how indulgent I allow myself to be it's always there.  No matter how easily I can be distracted from my stresses and woes it always returns.  It is deeply rooted within me, to the point that when I take what is considered normal by most of the working population, I wallow in guilt, stress and what I perceive as being behind once it's over.

I'm talking about a weekend.  Not just a weekend but a weekend off.  Forty eight hours of not working, not being at the beck and call of my clients and colleagues, but spending time fully focused on fun, MY life, and taking time out not to simply focus on my obligations but the three lives I have before me that will soon be off living their own lives which may or may not include me.  I've been performing this diversion as of late; since the wake up call referred to as my fourth mini-stroke. 

I'd like to join the ranks of the work-hard, play-hard mindset but what I've come to know and find the most comfort in is the world of the work-hard lifestyle; so well that when I deviate to the play-hard side of that game, it leaves me feeling irresponsible when all is said and done.  I spent the end of last week, forced by a tooth extraction that left me in pain and a wee bit mentally fuzzy, giving myself a pep talk about MY business.  Wondering, "if I work this hard for others, why can't I work this hard for myself?"  I know my head is full of good ideas, money making ideas that I have always shared generously with others.  In fact, I awoke no less than four times last night from my sleep, sitting straight upright with ideas that felt brilliant - definitely some sound ideas that could help me to generate income for my family and not just a good idea for another client.  But the mistake I made? Going back to sleep. I know darn well that if I don't write down these ideas (at least text them to myself) that they're gone as soon as my foot hits the floor as I step out of bed.

But it was my weekend off and with the weekend, went these ideas that felt so right in my dreams.  I frustrate myself with my lack of ability to turn it off - these thoughts, these big ideas, these feasible, attainable goals that always seem just out of my reach for lack of time and usually lack of money - yet I'm so easily distracted by necessary interruptions of daily life that I find myself craving for just one day to focus on daydreaming that might lead to that one big idea that could change things for all of us. There's just no time.




Then begins the stress, the guilt, the omnipresent depression.  I have so much stress following my time off that I question if it's worth it.  I can only answer that question with the faces that look back at me; the smiles, the gratitude, the family memories that will last a lifetime as my campaigns and new ways to generate income will only provide just that - more income.  I am proud of my work and I get a fire in my eye when you see me grab on to something that genuinely moves me.  There just has to be more to life than working for other people.  There has to be more than the feelings of guilt that follow from indulging in time with the only people who truly matter.

I'm tired of feeling stressed. I'm tired of feeling guilt.  But it seems, no matter which path I take, it's there - always present. Always lurking as a result of whichever decision I deem is best for my family each weekend.

Is my decision to take time off benefiting my health? Is it benefiting my bank account?

All I know is that I sit here tonight depressed.  Depressed that ideas are lost, for now, in the scattered thoughts of my mind.  That there are less funds in my bank account that could have gone towards bringing some of those to fruition. 

Yet I go to bed tonight knowing that I have spent time bonding and that is an immeasurable amount of goodness that no amount of money can replace. One of my goals at the beginning of this year was to find balance.  I'm finding it physically, I've even taken some small leaps with financial balance but emotionally finding balance... that continues to escape me.