"Simply having children does not make mothers."~John A. Shedd

Who hasn't heard and doesn't love this song?

I believe the children are our are future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be

...but who's teaching them?  Music videos, reality TV, iPods, the internet, public school, politicians?  Information comes at our kids at warped speed and with unadulterated opinions.  We MUST be there to filter, intercept, decipher and guide them.
 
This essay is not about vaccines, diets, therapeutic techniques or any of the buzz words surrounding autism.  It is simply my take on a topic that affects the parents of one out of every 110* children.  I am one of those parents, times three, and am often asked "what do you think caused ALL of your children to be born autistic?"  It will offend some and that's just a consequence of having an opinion. 

*According to Autism Speaks it is estimated that 1 in 110 children in US are diagnosed with autism. Government statistics suggest the prevalence rate of autism is increasing 10 to 17 percent annually

Could the increase in autism be due to the decrease in parenting skills? Working mothers, career-minded moms, mothers giving birth then handing their baby over to day care centers at six weeks of age; no bonding time, no nurturing, no commitment, no undying affection, simply not raising the beings that were created inside their bodies.  It's too easy to blame it on vaccines as those coincide with most mothers returning to work.  The increase in autism cannot be blamed on any one piece of evidence and you cannot discount the fact that educators and physicians are so quick to label something; there's a drug for everything and drugs solve all the world's problems right?  Actually they just make drug companies a hell of a whole lotta money and give our teacher's zombie-like children which are easier to educate than gifted, talented or outspoken ones.

"Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have anything to do with it. " 

~Haim Ginott

I believe that autism, autistic people, and people with autistic traits have always existed.  I also believe parents used to take their jobs AS parents more seriously.  Parents used to set rules and boundaries and stick to them.  Kids knew where they stood, kids knew what was expected of them and the consequences if they didn't. How can we expect our children to be patient, loving, thoughtful and stable humans when all we focus on the latest greatest things and making sure WE are happy? Making happy hour a priority after work instead of rushing home for family dinner; taking a pill to insure enough sleep to be on time to work the next day; taking a pill to insure emotions aren't felt that create discomfort about the circumstances of life; there are pills to make sure you have a decent sex life, who cares about a meaningful partner or a commit to a relationship..?

My generation is full of people who are self indulgent, self serving, require instant gratification, entitled to everything that they want when they want it; why are there so many new cars on the road in a recession? why does everyone have an iPad or iPhone?  Most people I come across are not long suffering, most want it all and want it now...keep it up and we'll just grow to find more and more loneliness and misery. But misery loves company so I'm sure there's a meetup group out there where I'm certain we can find a list babysitters for our kids while we go out and find ourselves.

"To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while."

~Josh Billings

My children all received relatively early diagnoses ranging from High Functioning Autism, Asperger's Syndrome to Severe Autism.  I became well versed in the terminology of autism, education codes, Independent Education Plans, the American Disabilities Act and the rights of people with the right DSM diagnosis.  I can rattle off legal acronyms at IEP meetings so efficiently and effectively that my children are not only receiving free and appropriate educations but the best educations that the school district is required to offer them by law.  I was handed a long list of the things they'd never be able to do, feel or respond to.  I become their therapist, trained in a method called Applied Behavioral Analysis; I am also trained in FloorTime, Social Stories and many other methods designed to reach these children.  I committed my life to becoming educated on how to best raise my children.

Do you know how similar ABA therapy is to dog training? Nearly identical. 

• Consistency
• Follow Through
• Consequences  

These three things used to simply be called "parenting".  Let me bore you with how a child is diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder (according to DSM IV):

A. A total of six (or more) items from (1), (2), and (3), with at least two from (1), and one each from (2) and (3):

(1) qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:

(a) marked impairment in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors, such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction

(b) failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level

(c) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g., by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest)

(d) lack of social or emotional reciprocity

(2) qualitative impairments in communication, as manifested by at least one of the following:

(a) delay in, or total lack of, the development of spoken language (not accompanied by an attempt to compensate through alternative modes of communication such as gesture or mime)

(b) in individuals with adequate speech, marked impairment in the ability to initiate or sustain a conversation with others

(c) stereotyped and repetitive use of language or idiosyncratic language

(d) lack of varied, spontaneous make-believe play or social imitative play appropriate to developmental level

(3) restricted, repetitive, and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities as manifested by at least one of the following:

(a) encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus

(b) apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals

(c) stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting or complex whole-body movements)

(d) persistent precoccupation with parts of objects

B. Delays or abnormal functioning in at least one of the following areas, with onset prior to age 3 years: (1) social interaction, (2) language as used in social communication, or (3) symbolic or imaginative play.

C. The disturbance is not better accounted for by Rett's disorder or childhood disintegrative disorder.

It takes a Village.  Yeah it does but it begins at home.  I think women have taken the "it takes a village" approach to extremes, convincing themselves that a nanny is just as good as having mommy at home; that a daycare center is actually just enrolling your child in preschool early (isn't 2 1/2 early enough?!).  I actually give a shit about other kids in my neighborhood and community and what they're doing.  This is why I choose to raise my children in a small town, have their friends over to my house and not out roaming the streets, and treat these kids like I do my own when they're in my house.  I know all the shop owners of the places my kids frequent and I ask for feedback on how my kids behave.  I see kids misbehaving I say something to let them know I'm watching them.  I see kids doing a kind deed, they get a warm, approving proud smile from me.  Despite how annoying it may come across they had an encounter with someone who cares about them and their future.

There are articles upon articles about "feeling guilty about being a working mom", "five minute meals", "finding time for your children while holding down a career"...articles, books, groups all supporting moms that have careers mostly focusing on how to not feel bad or guilty for not being there.  Hello?  A FEELING is something that prompts us to take action; feelings provide feedback and are supposed to help us become introspective.  If you have GUILT then do something to change it.  The quickest way to not feel guilty about an institution raising your child is (guess what?) stay at home with and raise your own child.

In fact, a recent survey from Working Mother magazine found that 57 percent of working mothers feel guilty every single day, and 31 percent feel guilty at least once a week.

By the time you conceive, that's nine months until that baby arrives.  That's much longer than most people take to plan a vacation, plan a wedding, or complete a project for work.  In nine months if you can't figure out how to stay at home to raise your own child, you haven't tried hard enough, budgeted properly or you simply don't want to.

Thirty-six percent of working moms said they are the sole provider for their household and nearly one-in-ten (9 percent) have taken on a second job in the last 12 months to provide for their family. This is according to CareerBuilder’s annual Mother’s Day survey conducted from February 10 to March 2, 2010, among 604 women, employed full-time, with children 18 and under living in the household. 

If you didn't choose the right man to take on this adventure with you, that's your problem, don't make it a child's problem.  We can choose NOT to have children.
 
Five years. You get five years to make a difference in your child's future.  At five years old most school districts have full time kindergarten.  If you're like me, you will have a couple of free days each week by the time your child is 2 1/2 when they are ready and needing of social interaction in a safe, controlled setting and supervised environment.

Having a child is not a life sentence it is a commitment.  Of course if you choose to have four children two years apart, do the math, you have CHOSEN to commit for ten years of being an at home mom.  I will never understand people who have a child then don't want to INVEST in that child's future.

"Though there is no single known cause or cure, autism is treatable. Children do not “outgrow” autism, but studies show that early diagnosis and intervention can lead to significantly improved outcomes. With the right services and supports, people with autism can live full, healthy and meaningful lives."
http://www.autism-society.org/site/PageServer?pagename=life_home

My children were fortunate to receive early diagnosis and intervention.  I also know my children were fortunate to have a mom who gave up a lucrative career to take on a much larger commitment: raising them.  I am proud to say that my 'high functioning autistic' child, who did not speak in full sentences until he was five, is now an honor roll student who receives citizenship awards, has perfect attendance and is a gifted, all star, championship basketball player who is well known amongst peers and coaches for his sportsmanship.  My 'Asperger's Syndrome' (comorbid with Juvenile BiPolar) child still finds herself a bit lost in the social setting of junior high but receives enough support to also be an honor student who is a gifted and talented song writer, singer, theater actress with my and her brothers' encouragement to reach for the stars.  The 'severely autistic' child is now an aspiring actor, competitive dancer who also works as a model.  There's much more to come from all three of them and I will be here each and every day for each success, each bruise (physical or ego) showing that it is not impossible to be an at home mom while proving a diagnosis of autism is far from a disability.  Most importantly, I am showing my children that their futures are the most important thing in the world to me.  In ten years, I will have more time than I want for that lucrative career.  My dreams are being fulfilled daily; I am mom.

"Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children."  ~Charles R. Swindoll

What memories will your children have?