"A Dream is a Wish your Heart Makes..."

Be careful what you wish for...


(Yeah I used the outdated Disney pop-star version, so?)

Have faith in your dreams and someday,
Your rainbow will come smiling through,
No matter how your heart is grieving,
If you keep on believing,
The dream that you wish will come true.

A dream is a wish your heart makes,
When you’re feeling small,
Alone, In the night you whisper,
Thinking no one can hear you at all.

You wake with the morning sunlight,
To find fortune that is smiling on you,
Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow,
For all you know tomorrow,
The dream that you wish will come true

Am I the only person, no matter how upbeat the song, that cries over lyrics?  I can't be.

Seems simple enough doesn't it? Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 4, Step 5.  Well I've got one, three, four and five down, now what to do about step two?

Anxiety attacks. It doesn't seem to matter if it's good news or bad news, this is my body's first response: anxiety.  I've been working on this and the EMDR therapy helped tremendously in some areas of my life. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised to find myself at complete peace the other night as I closed my eyes.  I felt it and enjoyed it and savored the moment of laying my head on my pillow without tears in my eyes or depression clouding my thoughts or fear of what tomorrow might bring.  It was nice and had you asked me just a few short months ago how I would function without stress and anxiety my response would have been, correction, my response was "they're the glue that hold me together; without them I might fall apart."  I truly feared that: falling apart.

I didn't fall apart today but since I've been without constant stress and anxiety for some time now it was hard not to consider today a major setback. I wanted to go to therapy so badly but I don't have the funds which lead to anxiety over money.  I've started online courses for a new job I'm pursuing and the lack of funds was distracting which lead to anxiety over lack of  time.  There was an unanticipated turn in the hearing (for the ex's ongoing criminal case) which sent me off in another direction, researching my rights and penal codes, while making calls to the district attorney and writing an email off to the probation department which lead to anxiety over lack of focus as I awaited a response.  Then I breathe as I've been taught to and seek out my peaceful place utilizing the therapeutic techniques I learned through my therapy. Just as I'm calming down and thinking "I've got time, just focus Julie, stay on track" the good news arrives... but I can't be three places at once which lead to anxiety over trying to manage three kids with one mom.  I pull out my calendar, start filling in dates, budgeting time and planning how to fit it all in. I can do this, but how?

Cloning myself isn't an option. I can't afford to hire help.  Ugh, I know I need help, but struggle to ask for it which lead to anxiety over my trust issues. It's okay - kid A can walk, kid B will get a ride, so I can get kid C where he needs to be.  Call the manager to let the agent know, yes, yes we can do this.  Start planning the meals, organize the "car bag" and "work bag", oh yeah and school work, oh crap, wardrobe! I mentally prepare myself for what the next three weeks will bring which lead to anxiety over whether our family sacrifices too much for each others' dreams.  And oh yeah, remember to email dad to keep him in the loop so he knows what's going on - right!  Shit, what about those two school meetings?!!  *sigh*

Back to work. What about work?!  I need to get trained on this new job and start making money yesterday which lead to anxiety over how I'm going to pay the rent. I need to do my existing work, cause I don't get paid for sitting here having anxiety attacks.   Anxiety attack grows more intense then I begin to focus on what I don't have: a partner. Tears start to flow. Go with it Julie, just get it all out.

If the previous few paragraphs made you feel a little bit queasy, anxious or crazy then welcome to my world.

"You stand at the threshold of a grand adventure. 
The extent to which you experience the fullness of that journey is determined by the extent to which you let go of the scenarios that no longer serve you."

I have no idea who I'm quoting, but I use quotes because those words are not mine.

Happily ever after; what Disney wants us to believe exists. Sure it does but the chalkboard I bought our family after the first divorce says "It's Never Too Late to Live Happily Ever After." That makes more sense. One day at a time.

Just this morning I had a conversation with a newly rediscovered but very old, dear friend (HE's not old, our friendship is) and had the nerve to tempt fate and say "I don't have much going on this week." I think life giggles when I dare to say that aloud. Breathe Julie, breathe.

I am going to cut myself a little slack here tonight.  I did cry once today, almost cried a second time, told my youngest son "I hate you" because I was trying to be stern with him but he wouldn't stop making me laugh. (I suck at discipline with this one - he totally has my number).   

But I did recover and processed the anxiety, handled what I could handle and let the anxiety pass through me. I didn't stop it. I let it flow.

Not too many months ago the anxiety would consume me for days. I wouldn't eat, couldn't sleep and spiraled straight into depression.  The easiest way I found to cope was push it all down, push it all away, deny that it existed, not think about it, ignore it, stay busy.  That lead to two strokes, weight loss (that I'm still trying to regain), chronic nightmares and endless outbreaks of shingles along my spine.  Yep, the glamorous life.

Since going through the EMDR I am pleased to state that I haven't had one nightmare, although I am dreaming more and I can't remember having dreams for literally years.  Major progress and I have to give myself credit for that.

Over a year ago I began keeping a journal but it was the type of journal that I wouldn't refer back to.  I would write through my thoughts in a stream of consciousness, not legible and paid no attention to grammar (impossible to imagine, I know).  It was a tool I'd use which I had learned through a sales course I'd taken which instructed us to purge all of our thoughts - good and bad - so you could take on each day with a clear mind.  I have never gone back to read my words but I would write three pages each morning. Just wrote and wrote and wrote.  Then recently I began keeping a private, online journal; writing everything from my hopes and dreams, my anger and frustration, as well as poems, legal notes and research, anything I wanted out of my head to free up space.

Back to dreams.  I have house rules which I believe I've referred to previously in this blog, one of which is "Dream Big" and boy, my kids do!  I'm big on goals, daily mantras and positive messages.  I always encourage my kids to go for it when they mention the next sports' tournament, theater production audition, or dance team they want to join.  Our latest adventure is pageantry with my blossoming teenage daughter. I'm proud of her for taking on this challenge knowing the commitment that it takes yet also well aware of the lifetime benefits of doing this level of community service.  I'm excited for her and support her completely.  I just have to budget my time wisely.

The point of this blog post is that dreams do come true when they are tangible and one remains focused.  One cannot make their dreams so big that they are unachievable, because they remain just dreams then.  Dreams come with a price tag.  The cost of dreams should never be your dignity, your integrity or require one to compromise their values. They do they require self-discipline, creativity, organization and commitment with a little spontaneity and flexibility.

I don't think I'll ever be completely without anxiety but I'm learning to process it better through the methods I've learned through therapy as well as time and patience with myself.  I hope to never be without dreams and when I'm ready, mine will come true too with the partner who's sitting right now focusing on the same goals, no matter how long nor how far, because "the dream that you wish will come true."