Define HOME

"A house is not a home unless it contains food and fire for the mind as well as the body." Benjamin Franklin 

"Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave." Martin Luther

"I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself." Maya Angelou

"Home is where you hang your hat." Unknown

"Where thou art, that is home."  Emily Dickinson 
 

  

Many have tried and there are many sayings that use these references as the possible definition: family, mothers, the kitchen, the fireplace.  But there appears to be an unanimous agreement that home does not consist of support beams, drywall and paint.  The heart of the home is an idiom that has been historically used to describe something that you say which means that your true home is with the person or in the place that you love most.

 

The heart of the home, in my experience, has been our kitchen table.  I shared this story with someone and they said "you should blog about that" - so I am.

For me home is when I am with my children but I find the most opportunities to take advantage of home (as I define it) is during car rides, no matter how brief, or at the dining table during meal times.

For years I had a dinner bell. Our property was not that large, just half an acre, but I loved that dinner bell and what its ring symbolized: time to come together.

During my first marriage, to my children's father, we moved so many times (13 times before the twins were ten) that I can't really recall which move it was during which our dining table was destroyed.  What I do recall is that during the final two years of our marriage we didn't have a dining table.  I remember shopping for one. I remember showing the ones I liked to my husband. I don't remember him considering it a priority financially so it went on the bottom of the To-Do list since the house we currently resided within had a bar. Come to think of it, I don't remember what happened to our dinner bell either... within those two years he left.

I consider where we live now our home because it was the first stable environment the kids experienced - the twins were five and the baby was one. This is where the kids began their schooling, made friends, participated in sports, dance, karate and where I fought for the proper education that has helped me help them with the recovery from their autism.  This is where they've bonded and this is where I've promised we will stay at least til the end of their school years.

When their father walked out my only goal was to return to this home; the familiarity of the neighborhood, return them to some sort of normalcy in an effort to build a stable foundation for the remainder of their upbringing - the new horizon of being on my own with three kids.  The first order of business was to purchase a kitchen table. It seated eight and I bought it out of the garage of a friend, for $100 cash and I began to rebuild our home.  I bought new chairs as I went not because it came chair-less, but because one of my favorite pastimes is to thrift store shop and hit barn sales. Each chair in our home has as much character as the three individuals who seat themselves at them...

...and so we rebuilt our home, our family, dinner by dinner, meal by meal, lingering moment by lingering moment.  What I love about my kids is that when we do sit down to eat, they are not in a hurry to get away, clean their plates or rush off to the next activity. We enjoy each others company and although we still work on interrupting and listening, not a meal passes that doesn't leave us refreshed and renewed as a family.

During my brief, second-marriage I made family dinner almost every night. We had five children under our roof and the two that weren't mine were always the first two to sit down. I don't know that they had had this experience before as their parents split when one was an infant and the other a toddler.  Their gratitude was felt by the fact, that no matter what was being served, they didn't miss a meal. They were thankful and always ate hardily.  After the sudden split of the second marriage, I tried to carry on with family meals, but the emotions were far too overwhelming and it was the only time of the day where the kids knew the depth of my pain.  I tried to continue but we all felt the loss of what we had thought was a new, family tradition. I found it was more upsetting than renewing so we took a brief break from sitting down together. I regret that choice, but at the time I could barely set the plates on the table without breaking down in tears.

The move into our tiny, new home helped.  I made a point of getting back to the me I knew I was and could be again, so meal by meal, we got back to our new family tradition.  The house is so small but I was so happy when I found a way to include our (now seats five) dining table.

Our meals begin with prayer; grace as most call it.  Expressing thanks for our blessings and a gentle reminder each day of what there really is to be grateful for.  What ensues from there can be anything from hilarious to emotional; sometimes both.   It is the only time when we stop, engage and hear each others troubles, dreams, complaints, silly stories and truly take the time out to share. 

Topics that have ensued during our mealtimes include:

• Scholarships for non-citizens leading to the subject of border patrol and people living in our country without being citizens
• Welfare benefits and what it takes to qualify
• Taxes and what they pay for
• What it means when someone is mentally retarded and how that affects the life of that person's parents
• Burping, farting and general discussions about the body's need to eliminate excess gases
• Marriage and baby making and possible names for my future grandchildren
• The guess how many guys mom has dated game (my least favorite subject)

None of these topics have been initiated by me.

The most important part of talking and discussions is listening. I believe my children know they're heard.  I get busy, overwhelmed and mentally exhausted at times. My patience is not always generous, sometimes quite short.  Living in this small of quarters can get a bit overwhelming at times when you have three, bright, active, loud, intelligent and entertaining children.

"Home is not where you live but where they understand you."  ~Christian Morgenstern

I am guilty of not doing enough family dinners lately.  The kids' schedules get hectic, I took that job that pulled me away from home too much and dinners became a twenty dollar bill under a magnet on a fridge with a note that said "in case I'm late getting home," and my other work is always right here - my desk is four feet from that dining table - and although I might cook a home-cooked meal more often than not we are all guilty of going off on our own to devour our meals while doing homework, writing an article or simply not sitting down at all but shoving food in to get to and from one activity to the next.

Even if your hands are shaking

And your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closing

Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say

If this blog doesn't inspire me to step back and think about how many dinners are left between the four of us, sit up straight and take the time out to get back on track, I'm not sure what will.  There are only about 1400 opportunities left for us. It's time to get back to what's important.

I think it may be time to go shopping for a new dinner bell...