PMS

There's no other explanation.

Premeditated Snafu

Adj. 
Characterized by deliberate purpose, previous consideration, and some degree of planning

Adj.
1. Badly confused or ridiculously muddled2. In utter confusion or chaos.


Boy did I get bent out of shape today.  All over a letter. A letter filled with good news even, I guess.  If good news is finding out you're owed a decent chunk of change.  It was an address that tweaked me. Not enough to find it urgent but enough to shoot off an inquisitive email to find out what was going on; why I wasn't properly informed.  I sank into a moody depression that took me right back to a year ago - in my gut, in my head - which lead to being annoyed. Loss of focus. Loss of direction. Another irritating distraction from my To Conquer list at hand. Two simple questions, with two lengthy but uncomplicated answers sent my mood south, fast. 

The best thing about having gained clarity in my life is that I no longer push away emotions. I no longer permit myself to ignore, set aside or avoid "feelings."  I took these emotions and faced them head on in the best way I know how; research, information and a chat with my best friend and confidant.  I listened, I heard, I processed, I purged.

Hey! I'm a poet!!!

So after readjusting my attitude and really figuring out what was making me upset, I got over it. Voila!  I'm so thankful for my friends.  I can't say that enough ways and enough times.  This is friendship defined via my confidant's Facebook status earlier today:

"Cherish the friend who tells you a harsh truth, wanting ten times more to tell you a loving lie." ~Robert Brault

Truth.  
noun. 

1. the actual state of a matter

2. conformity with fact or reality; verity

3. a verified or indisputable fact, proposition, principle, or the like: mathematical truths.

4. actuality or actual existence.

That's all I need and finally that's what I get in my life daily from my closest friends and the people I have allowed myself to trust.

Trust.
noun.  Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.

Although I'm still perceived as being jaded and having walls up, I'd like to think that I've become smarter but can't lie to myself that I am protective with my heart.  I have a gift for pushing things away. I know I'm doing it. It's an irrational reaction and a test.  Someday I'll stop doing this. For now all I can do is recognize when I'm doing it and try to take two steps back if the damage isn't already too great.  I know it takes a man (and a friend) with fortitude to get to know the real me; the vulnerable me - the damaged me.  I take flattering words with chunks of salt, not grains. I have learned to wade through infatuation and not to fall quickly into anything - a relationship, love, lust, or even friendship.  This particular quote keeps coming to mind:

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

Love.
noun.
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. 2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

I love few things in this world in the true sense of the meaning. I love my children, unconditionally. I "love" (in the verb sense) my dogs.  I love my family - mom, dad, sister, brother, their spouses and all of my nieces and nephews, my cousin.  I love my closest friends; those that have earned to be counted on one hand.  I'd rattle off names, but they know who they are.

I was on the receiving end of a ten paragraph love letter yesterday that came from someone who is seemingly at a place in life where the leap of confidence, or maybe fortitude, could have gone either way.  Over the past 43 years I have received Valentines, love notes, small gifts, big gifts, flowers with the accompanying card, folded notes under my windshield wipers, even a heart left on the dirty window of the back of my car but I've never received something like this. Never a lengthy profession of the truth; his truth, his thoughts, his feelings and the ability to express them in a way that made me stop and realize that none of it was bullshit. Not an ounce of pretentiousness. Not the usual note with well-rehearsed maneuvers that would result in getting in my pants. A genuine, thoughtful, heartfelt purging.  A risk. A leap of faith.

The way the words moved me, the investment of time that this took, the observations of me, my actions, my habits, my demeanor described in such a way that hit me that I was being given complete consideration and attention despite being clueless that he cared.  Simple, silly, poignant, significant things.  Just a few sentences in was when my sight would become blurry from the tears welling in my eyes:
"You don't see you as I do."

I found myself reading that over and over and over. And I'm not that easy, oh trust me, I'm not.  I just spent the evening the other night explaining how you don't really know me til you're on the other side of bitch.  I'm not going to divulge any more of the letter, but you cannot deny when someone knows you; knowing that they've been paying attention.  You know when someone gets you despite all the fronts, bullshit, walls and guarded faces under which I think I successfully mask myself.


For many years I've listened dreamily, hopelessly romantically with that sliver of hope to songs sung by the likes of John Mayer, Jason Miraz, Van Morrison, hell Bruno Mars and consume the lyrics the words they sing...

I can hear her heart beat for a thousand miles
And the heavens open every time she smiles
And when I come to her that's where I belong
Yet Im running to her like a rivers song

... their talent and gift that lends itself to performing the lyrics with sincerity which leads a girl to think "I want the guy who thinks that way about me" then reality smacks you in the face and you shake it off for a good dose of Adele and Alanis.


Many of those love songs bring me to tears, simply because I do (yes still) have that faith(?), hope(?), dream(?), foolish notion(?) that love exists.  Real, genuine, deep, true love. Not infatuation, nor lust, nor convenience or this'll do for now.  The depth that only transpires from realizing someone knows you, really knows you and loves you anyway.  I've found that in my closest friends.  I'm optimistically motivated to take a step outside of my comfort zone of "just dating" and roll the dice, spin the wheel, place the bet (and all the other cheesy gambling related cliches) on a man with a little encouragement from my friends, who know me better than I know myself.

"Ditch the drama Jules, try solid for a while. It can only break your heart."

When a boy calls you cute, he likes your face.
When he calls you hot, he likes your body.
When he calls you beautiful, he likes your heart.