Tough Love

I often get compliments on how grounded my children are as well as remarks on their manners, their kindness, their patience and how "good" they are.

Grounding (noun) is a form of punishment given to older children, preadolescents or adolescents by their parents for bad behavior.... In the terms of behavioral psychology, grounding is a negative punishment because it involves the removal of desired things, rather than the addition of undesired things.

Typically, a young person who is grounded is banned from leaving home or his/her room to go anywhere other than to attend required activities such as meals, school, church, work, music practice, etc.  It is commonly combined with the withdrawal of privileges such as the use of computer, Internet, video games, television, telephone, cars, etc., and some children may even be sent to bed early. Some groundings can last from as short as a day or two, to as long as a month or year, while some last an indefinite amount of time. The uncertainty makes it difficult for the person to cope, which in some cases can make the punishment more effective. For some children and teenagers, grounding can backfire easily, encouraging bad behavior in the form of rebellion against their parents.


Grounded (adjective):

a: mentally and emotionally stable
b: admirably sensible, realistic, and unpretentious

Ground (attributive verb):
a : to provide a reason or justification for

b : to furnish with a foundation of knowledge : base

I knew this day would come. He's been in trouble before but not like this, not where a serious point needed to be proven. As parents it is our responsibility and obligation to not only provide a roof, clothing and food for our children but to provide discipline as well.

dis·ci·pline (noun)
1.training to act in accordance with rules
2.activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training
3.punishment inflicted by way of correction and training.
4.the rigor or training effect of experience, adversity, etc.

I do a lot for my kids.  I know I do and receive comments, compliments and criticisms about it.  One of my new favorite sayings applies here "it is what it is" and so I do the job of Mom the only way I know how: tough love.

The truth is true discipline, i.e. teaching our youth, is not easy.  Punishing them is even harder.  Making sure the lessons stick is more important than anything being hard to do.  I've studied child development. I've studied parenting. I've studied each stage of my children's upcoming milestones, simply because I knew I didn't know it all and certainly wasn't going to wing it with raising children.  I've been known to say "if you're not crying at the end of the day, you're doing it (parenting) all wrong."  Truth is that our kids may not understand, until they're raising their own, the sacrifices we make, how much the punishments we are forced to dish out cause as much, if not more pain than it does for them.

Following in the footsteps of his 14 year old siblings, Luke did something he shouldn't have.  He wasn't bad and was not told he was.  He wasn't intentionally wrong, but the lesson needed to be taught eventually and now is as good of a time as any.

Fortunately we live in a small, quaint walking town where many of us have known each other for years. I chose where we live for its small-town qualities and benefits. Knowing shop owners, neighbors - the good ones and the not-so-good ones, the faces of the community and the time invested in developing relationships.  My kids may not appreciate this until they're choosing a place to raise their own children, but it is important enough to me to give up nightlife, social circles and easy access to chain stores.  What Luke did was no different than most ten-year old boys would do: he left the friend's house that I give him permission to go to many days of the week to go to another friend's house without telling any adults.

Panic attack one lead to my doorstep, which initiated my 20-minute search and inquisition of all neighbors and passers-by, leading to borderline panic attack two but just before I allowed my mind to even entertain bad thoughts I dialed 9-1-1.  A five minute report began as I was instructed to go somewhere and stay; the one thing a mother does not want to hear when she's desperately searching for her child who was last seen 40 minutes prior.  As I pulled up to the only address I could think of, they walked up. Three innocent, unsure boys knowing they were most likely in trouble but not quite understanding why.

Well my stern, loud lecture told them why and in no uncertain terms I told my son he was grounded.  His first grounding in his life.  So the week begins of "nos"; no you can't go to your friend's house, no you cannot buy that thing (even if it's with your own money), no we are not going to do the activity I told you we were going to do this weekend. Yes, you will be writing me a five page essay. Yes, you will be cleaning your room.  Yes, you are going to be restricted on your activities until this lesson sticks.

What he doesn't realize is that by him being on restriction, so am I. I cannot run out and go to dinner. I cannot take the kids to the beach as I wanted to.  I now become warden to my prisoner.  Truth is that I love these kids enough to punish them.

But ultimately these investments do pay off.  As I sat him down this morning with the five questions he must answer, I heard his 14 year old brother explaining to him why what he did was wrong.  How scary it was for mom. How important it is for us to know where he is at all times. Jake had all the right answers. Jake knew the importance.  Jake had also been grounded for the same thing at ten. 


My tough love stuck.