It's been years since I touched one... the long, smooth, rigid surface felt perfect in my hand....

The barre of course.  Jeez... get your minds out of the gutter.

I have a bucket list. I hope most of us do by the time we reach our mid-forties.  It's small and probably boring to most of you. It doesn't contain things like "Buy a Harley, Climb Mt. Everest, or skinny dip in France" (I already did that last one anyway...)
It's fairly simple:
1. Publish my book
2. Drive a yellow hornet in a Monster Truck Rally
3. Meet, marry or at least sleep with Will Smith
4. Own a home (again, on my own)
5. Dance again

I have been promising myself that I would return to ballet since November of last year.  Inspired by my youngest son with his strength, endurance and muscle tone I have been longing to get back in front of a barre.  I found excuse after excuse, distraction after distraction and can always say "I can't afford it."  Well our local dance studio (where my son spends endless hours) had free dance classes for adults only for the month of September.  No more excuses. No more distractions.  I finally did it. I had to borrow my daughter's ballet shoes but I went.  I don't have pink tights nor leotards anymore, but those are not required nor necessities. 

The ballet instructor asked "have you danced before?" My reply "yes, thirteen years, but it was twenty years ago."  Twenty-four years to be exact.  Ten minutes into the class I realized that I also forgot all my French too (good thing I took four years, right?)

The instructor is no light weight nor did she cut any of us any slack.  I almost wish I'd fibbed and said "I have no dance experience" but there's me and my honesty getting me into trouble again. So I jumped right in even though my mind was lost and my feet even moreso as I concentrated on the music and eight-count, the moves (did she say en terre or en l'air?!), and the figurative quarter between my butt cheeks.  It was too much to focus on at once.  I was up on my toes instead of the balls on my feet but if I focused on that my butt jiggled and then I lost my arms.  I had this false presumption that it would be like riding a bike; just jump on and start peddling.  Nope, not at all.  I'm rusty, very rusty.

Nonetheless, the sweater I wore in the room (because I'm ALWAYS cold) was off within 15 minutes; within thirty I was wiping sweat from my brow.  Forty-five minutes in I was wondering when this class would be over and by the end I knew better than to push my body into the splits, although I'm pretty confident I can still do those.

By the end of the hour I knew I'd be back for more.  Looking at my thin, aging body in comparison to the youthful, muscular instructor in combination with feeling the burn in my inner thighs I knew there was hope that I'd have an ass again.  Truth is the doctor ordered this due to the xrays that showed early signs of osteoporosis.  No more living in denial. I need this for health reasons as much as for the vanity of wanting desperately to be a voluptuous size 2 again.  Be quiet, I'm serious.

Back in January my therapist assigned me homework that included spending time away from the kids, for at least a few hours a week.  I've been using that time primarily for dating.  What has that gained me?  Multiple broken hearts, distractions and too much self-analysis.

She said time away from the kids. Me time.  Since I took down my dating profile once the realization finally sunk in that searching for "him" is not going to make the goal to find the love of my life happen I have to fill that ME time.  No more initiating relationships with virtual strangers to find out you're still, repeatedly attracted to the same guy.  I'm not saying there aren't quality men online - there probably are - they just haven't crossed my path. So I've taken myself off that well-beaten path and decided to truly, simply focus on me.  This isn't another Man-Ban. I've met enough men through the dating site I've been using for the past year and a half to know that just isn't how this is going to go down...

Dancing should fill that space just fine and I get to cross number five off my bucket list.  I went one sauté further (in a dumb, brave moment) and volunteered (auditioned) for a role in the Nutcracker and am scheduled to perform this winter. This wasn't on my bucket list because I never dreamed of being on-stage WITH my children before.  If you'd like to see me and my son perform, I'd love that.



All I know is that I like where this is heading...