Leaving

It's been a while - actually probably about a year since I had one.  I may have had others, but none that awoke me the way this one did - the KNOWING it wasn't real, but within the dream FEELING the same emotions as if it were, or might as well be...

It could have been a school yard, a church or even "work" - all I know is that the path to get back to my car was very long.

What fed into this is obvious - at least several pieces of the dream made sense but the message is the part that alarms you enough to be terrified in your sleep and to awaken screaming, panicked, crying.

My son was being taken away from me - not forced, not kidnapped, but by coercion.  Whomever these people were in my dream had convinced him life would be better elsewhere because to watch my son in my dream, look me in the eye, then walk away with another person while watching me cry. He was choosing to leave me (fresh tears).  I just can't imagine that ever happening "in real life."  And this dream wasn't a flashback, it wasn't in the future. It was now.

Wow... I need a quick break. 7:47am

I'm gonna go to work and analyze this dream later...

9:42pm
A lot of interesting thoughts hit me throughout my day today.  Busy day. It's funny, since I resigned from my job last week (oh yeah, did I mention that?) I feel like I've been so busy, swamped really, just getting stuff done around the house and for the kids.  This is the busy-ness I like. This is the busy-ness I don't mind, one bit.

So yes, this is the first time I've been able to sit back down and analyze this nightmare.  First off (I may have mentioned this in a previous blog) I don't dream. I don't sleep much really so dreams usually don't find me. BUT when I do have dreams, they're nightmares.  Vivid, horrible, real, terrifying at times.

Leaving

To dream that someone is leaving you refers to feelings of rejection or of not being able to keep up. You are questioning your abilities. Perhaps you are not utilizing your full potential. Alternatively, the dream indicates an end to something; you are ready to let go of the past and move forward.

Without going into more detail, mostly cause I can't recall 13 hours later, it was awful. But now that I read the analysis of the dream, it makes sense.  "Being able to keep up. Questioning your abilities."

How people figure out the translation of dreams is fascinating to me, just like any other topic within my favorite subject matter: psychology.

But THIS makes perfect sense. Why it had to manifest itself in such a painful way, I'm not sure, but the mind is pretty amazing. Was this a wake up call?  Was this an "appreciate it before it's gone forever?"

I don't want to have that nightmare again.  Just mustering up the visual again of Luke looking me in the eye and willingly leaving me can bring fresh tears to my eyes.

So back to quitting my job. This job offer came to me when I wasn't looking for it. It was an offer made to me based on something someone saw in me; my "gift and talent" which was flattering.  I accepted it after disclaiming no experience in at least half of the job title. I'm always up to learn something new.  Every day is an adventure if you allow yourself to take on a challenge; so I did.  Well two and a half months into it, it was not the job description nor the proposed hours/schedule I was pitched back in June.  I actually really liked the job, enjoyed it most days.  But the timing wasn't right. I had to take a step back and look at my five-year plan and how it fit in; or actually how it didn't.  I took a leap, wrote a resignation letter exactly a week ago and regained control of my life, back to my priorities and back on track with the five year plan (which we're one year into).

I remembered this quote: "Count your rainbows, not your thunderstorms."  I needed to read that again. I needed to really sit and focus on what it means.  I have learned to count my rainbows. I have learned to take leaps of faith, knowing that we WILL be okay.  It's amazing, once you given up (not lost) everything, how simple life can be. How wonderfully simple decisions become.

Life is not simple.  My life is far from simple.  What I mean is the angst, the stress, the anxiety over wondering what is to be. Does it matter?  No, not really. What matters is togetherness. What matters is memories. What matters is time spent that you can never get back.

Soooo, we're broke again. Oh well.

We might be broke, very, very, VERY far away from what is considered "rich." But hell, as I dropped off the twins this morning at the high school during our new 7am morning routine, it hit me.  Despite being shaken AND stirred by the nightmare that awoke me at one o'clock in the morning, I had a content, pleasant feeling in my gut over the choices I've made to raise my kids in a small town.  The fact that they have friends they've known since kindergarten. The fact that they're in a huge high school, yet aren't going through the awkward, painful experience as freshman.  Why?  Because of our community involvement.  My children have friends of all age ranges. My kids are good kids and are known as such throughout the community.

I made a decision just a month shy of four years ago to keep my vow to be an at-home mom and every time I make a decision that isn't in line with that goal, things get difficult. When I trust in my instincts and stay, or get back on, the path that I know to be right, things fall into place.

Because I made that decision, I am able to sit for a few hours and work on my youngest's school project. Because I made that decision I am able to redirect and comfort and take the 45 minutes my daughter needed to talk through her anxiety about her classes.  Because I made that decision, I am able to know my teenage son's friends.  Because I have faith and conviction that I am doing the right thing, things are right in our world.

Bottom line is, yes, I have fear that I won't be "able to keep up." Yes I absolutely "question my abilities" as a mother, care-giver and provider.  But what I won't do is cower to those fears.  What I won't do is continue toward a path that in any way sacrifices our family time, our family goals or my, now, four year plan.

"He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature. "~Socrates