Faith versus fear

Am I overreacting when no one else cares? Or am I simply choosing not to turn a blind eye to evil?

I've finally learned what shuts me up though. At least in public, temporarily. 

I've always, since I can remember, been upset but inequity and what appears to me as injustice.  I was the rule enforcer with a big mouth that always landed in the principal's office cause I couldn't sit still and certainly wouldn't be quiet.  I recall, I think 3rd or 4th grade, during an assembly getting called out and disciplined by a teacher because I wasn't paying attention to the kid on stage doing his skit; I was talking through it.  What I remember was looking at, okay well yelling at, the teacher saying "but SHE was talking TOO!" at my astonishment that I would be the only one punished over it.  I clearly wasn't bothered by being in trouble all the time (or I would've stopped) but I never really quite got expelled - I was a straight A student so the teachers and administrators tolerated my "bad behavior."

I had an unwilling, never really his fault, partner in crime during my elementary days - the poor kid whose name happened to come behind mine alphabetically. He was always my victim of outbursts and banter and he was often dragged to the principal's office with me, usually with a threat of corporal punishment that was never dished out.  We're good friends to this day, unbelievable, after all I dragged him through and he was one of those kids that was teased brutally and relentlessly not by bullies but by kids - just mean kids - simply because he suffered from frequent allergies and asthma and a sinus issue that made his voice a little nasaly.  I never cared what people looked or sounded like and didn't buy in to bullying even at a young age. I was drawn to the underdogs of the world for as long as I can recall.  My "friends" from my childhood that teased this boy now fall in to the category of acquaintances.

So this week I've been quiet, mostly because I'm still reeling from recent discoveries that have lead to me wondering "WHY do I care SO MUCH? Why am I so upset about injustice, rule breakers and law breakers?  Why can't I let it go and move ON?" It's not like I haven't dealt with this subject before, in fact I was pretty "loud" when I wrote about Marsy, Megan and misspoken words; loud enough that my subject matter even commented on my blog.  My opinions are stated clearly enough there, no need to rehash.

So why can't I get this off of the top of my mind?  Nothing terrible happened to ME. My kids are fine, safe and protected.  But what about the kids out there with unsuspecting parents?  What about society at large?  Why is it so obvious to me, how sick this clever plot has been designed, yet has the support of people who KNOW making large investments backing the project?  I've reported what I should with the right people who can handle it from here... so what's eating at me so much?

Does it stem back to my childhood of wanting fairness? Am I upset that people aren't gasping and as upset as I am?  Have I assigned myself as the warrior for those who can't or won't speak up for themselves?  Who assigned ME the task of being the do-gooder, savior of all potential victims?  I am simply astounded at the amount of people who WILL turn the other cheek to what seems so obviously evil and lecherous to me.  I am blown away as to what some people will ignore to progress their own financial success or for a glimpse of celebrity.  I am sickened by the thoughts that I can't shake from my head. The groups that are in support, maybe blindly - since important, significant information was withheld from me, maybe they just don't know. But is it my job to tell them? No. I could give them the benefit of the doubt, but the thoughts of the carefully designed plan and motives behind it leave me full of distress for the unknowing families.  I am left feeling disgusted by the people in the know.

During a chat with a girlfriend today she reminded me something I think I believe and I do when I'm not feeling such doom and gloom, "Everything happens for a reason..."

I logged back in, for the first time in months, to my online support group and brought up the situation at hand begging from advice from seasoned victims.  Do I still have a target on me somewhere?  Am I still attracting sociopaths? Does my save-the-world attitude lead me down paths where I'll encounter more of the narcissistic, self-serving types?

Or am I simply more keenly aware, as someone in my support group suggested.

I do know that I cannot sit by and watch evil unfold.  That I believe justice should occur on a daily basis. And that people should be honest with one another. 

I have done what I need to do but deep inside I'm still that little girl that wants to scream at the teacher cause it's not fair.


Maybe this particular subject entering my life, again, is simply too close to home.  Maybe there's a reason I was to cross paths with this individual, this team, as my dear friend suggested. Maybe it's a lesson learned that I can be more thorough in those I allow close to me and my family. Maybe the universe is telling me to take a different approach.


"When will our consciences grow so tender that we will act to prevent human misery rather than avenge it?" ~Eleanor Roosevelt